Sunday, March 18, 2001
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Sunday, March 18, 2001 |
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Making and managing my 'to-do' list By MARY JANE
HOLT
Folks just say, "You can do it." They don't understand. I can't. Actually, I can. That is, I could, if cloning were a little more advanced and I could instantly re-create eight or ten other copies of me. Know where I'm coming from already, don't you? What do we do? How do we cope when the list is so long and we are only one? First, I fret! I rant... I fuss. I wonder how on earth, and why in blazes would I let myself get so caught up again, so busy, and acquire such a long "to do" list? Then and only then to I pray. I should be ashamed, I suppose. I used to be. Now I'm just me, and I live with a constant awareness that God loves me just like I am. Inside and out, with all my quirks and imperfections, I am loved. Only after I pray do I sometimes make a list. When I don't make a list, I just say something like this to my Heavenly Father, "Lord I love you and I know you love me. I know you know me better than I do and I'm sure glad you do. And you see better than I can see how life is unfolding all around me. "Now, Lord I'm becoming a bit overwhelmed again. I'm sorry and I don't know if it's my own doing or that of circumstances. I just know I need your help to sort it all out. Give me strength, wisdom and courage to act (and the same to not act) in my own best interest and the best interest of all your kids and your kingdom." Now, sometimes, I will go on and on. Just ranting and raving about how aggravated I am at myself for bad judgement or filling my plate too full... But eventually, I shut up. Whether my prayer is long or short, full of frustration, irritation, brokenness, excitement, eagerness... no matter what, sooner or later, I grow quiet and listen. Then, oh my... It begins. The scripture passages start to hit me in like delicate little feathers leaving light impressions all over my heart. Words like "Don't be overwhelmed, I'm with you. I am going before you to make the rough places smooth and the crooked places straight." If there's any fight left in me, I counter with "but I feel like I'm up to my neck in deep water" and the words continue "Don't be overwhelmed. I will not let you drown. When you pass through the waters I will be with you and the rivers shall not overflow you..." Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you ever feel like you have waded out in some beautiful shallow crystal clear stream and are totally enjoying the experience (at work, at home, in a relationship...) when all of a sudden some unexpected current grabs you, and whew! All that crystal clarity is gone and you are once more going with the flow! You want to desperately grab hold of something and work your way back to where it was easy and clear and comfortable. Then there it is again. That voice. "Let it go. Do not remember the former things. Behold I am doing a new thing..." Gradually, or suddenly, surrender comes. Again. At last. You'd think I would have learned, back a ways wouldn't you? Unless you are like me. Then you know how it is. In my life, there is no way around the ironclad fact that I must simply trust, that is, use the faith I always feel like I drop every time the current grabs me. Oh, sure, the written list sometimes helps. But it may just my way of trying to feel like I'm still in some degree of control. The truth is, if I let Him, God really will lead. He truly guides with perfect timing. His arms have picked me up out of that rushing water more times than I will ever be able to count and set me down right where He knows it's best for me to be. When He does that I know there is no turning back. And tell me, who in their right mind would want to when the Master of all the Universe is leading the way? Ah, how foolish we all can be at times. How stubborn, and slow to learn. Yet, in the midst of it all, how very loved we are!
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