Sunday, March 4, 2001

Families look at dying in different ways

Nobody ever sent the dying on their way with more fanfare than my mama's family. Aunt Benonia has been dying again now for about two weeks. It's her fourth time, I think...

Lynda, my sister, took her keyboard to the foot of the hospital bed at efforts number two and three and sung her back to this side both times.

Literally.

I can't recall the details surrounding her first dying, but I'm sure they were profound, joyful, and so much fun that Aunt Benonia just couldn't leave.

Wondering how we do it? First, there has to be forewarning. Something like a doctor saying, "He/she is dying. Organs are shutting down. It's a matter of hours or days at the most."

Now nobody, to my knowledge, ever set out to prove any doctor wrong. We have great respect for those health professionals we choose to help us care for the bodies in which we live while residing on this side of eternity.

What we do when told a dying is about to come down is gather round the one who is getting ready to pass over. Most members of my family believe the other side is going to be awesome. There's not a whole lot of fear among us about death and what follows after. And as you will soon understand, the dying is, in many instances, something we all actually enjoy.

For example, with Aunt Benonia's last dying episode, Aunt June came up from Florida. That was several months ago and Aunt June is staying until the end.

With the onset of this dying warning Cousin Maxine came to town. She's here indefinitely now, too.

When Aunt Benonia was readmitted to the hospital a couple of weeks ago, the family was called. They rallied. The dying one has not been alone for a moment. Most of the time there are two to four family members in the room with her. The main waiting room is crawling with more family, and the parking lot ain't void either.

The dying's favorite food is brought to the bedside. His or her favorite songs are sung (softly, of course so as not to disturb others down the hall).

Jokes are told. Gossip is shared. Memories are resurrected. All this in the presence of the dying one. It is so much fun that the one who lays there dying just can't leave. They have "come out of it" more times than I can begin to count. Remember, I have a huge family, hundreds of us, counting just all the aunts, uncles, first and second cousins.

Of course, eventually it's for real... When the dying one finally has absolutely no strength left, when the final breath is drawn, when all hands have released their grasp, the crying commences.

We cry well, too. Just as well as we laugh. But not for long. Just a few hours, two or three days at the most. And we all know without a doubt that we are crying for ourselves because the dying ritual/celebration is over once more.

The loved one who finally pulled off his or her exit is sorely missed. No doubt about that. Yet there is some degree of wonder on this side, and a tad of excitement as we think about our own passing and the ultimate family celebration that awaits us.

Of course, most of us hope for some degree of warning. The sudden deaths are hardest. The automobile accidents, drownings, fatal heart attacks that hit without prior warning. Oh, yeah, they happen too. Still, we celebrate.

Maybe the celebration doesn't get to be as long and drawn out. And there may be some degree of regret to contend with cause that's how it is when we think we have all the time in this world, and learn too late that we don't.

I know each and every family has their own way/s of dealing and coping with the passing of their loved ones, and I know only too well how painful it can be. Never would I attempt to push my family rituals on to another and I don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone.

I suppose I am just sharing my frustrations this week because present circumstances prevent me from being there in person to participate in Aunt Benonia's present dying celebration.

Ah, but it's only miles, and the heart that loves recognizes no barrier, not even death.

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