Wednesday, January 10, 2001
|
Wednesday, January 10, 2001 |
| On
cold weather and having a cold By MICHAEL
BOYLAN To everyone who complained about the weather being too hot last summer (was I one of them?) and said that they couldn't wait for winter, I'm giving you the frowning of a lifetime, as I sit in front of this computer. This lovely winter weather has given me the gift of illness and, unlike everything I got for Christmas, I can not return it and exchange it for cash. Instead I can only wallow in its head congesting, nose running, painful coughing misery. I know many of you out there can sympathize with me. I have heard your sniffles at the movies and seen the paths of your wadded-up Kleenex. It is flu season and the season seems endless. I have been off my game since Christmas Eve. That was 17 days ago. 17 days of wiping my nose with any form of paper product available. In my house that included everything from two boxes of tissues, a roll of toilet paper, 18 paper towels and six paper plates. I now know why Rudolph's nose was red and I think Santa should have known better than to let him fly that night. Isn't it interesting that we never heard from Rudolph again after that foggy Christmas Eve? Now, I haven't been incapacitated the entire time and my condition has improved greatly. During the first week of this living Hell, I thought I was going crazy. There were nonsensical words repeating in my head (Milan Hnilicka and Izma) and I swore I could see Indira and Mahatma Gandhi splitting a meat lovers pizza at the foot of my bed. My hallucinations have ceased, but I still sound like an extra on "Little House On The Prairie" that won't make it through the winter. As some of you may know, I moved to Georgia from Massachusetts over eight years ago. One thing that I do not miss is the cruel, heartless Northern winters. In fact, nothing brings me as much joy as to call my friends and relatives up there when it is nice and warm down here and it is snowing and freezing up there. I haven't spoken to any of my people up north since November. In fact, there were several days where the weather was nicer up in the tundra that is known as Taxachusetts. This is unacceptable. I thought there was supposed to be global warming. Where is it? I would like to ask everybody who agrees with my displeasure at the current temperatures to take all of their aerosol cans outside and spray them skywards. We shouldn't have to scrape the ice off of our cars every morning or wear our jackets every time we leave the house. Aren't we part of the sun belt? Isn't two months of this enough? As I write this column, the weather is allegedly improving. In fact, we may reach the 50s several days in a row. This is a start and hopefully, it will help make the sick ones of us out there healthy. If it does not, and you are one of the next batch of people to come down with the flu, please beware of contagion and follow these helpful hints. Burn your linens and clothes after use. Drink lots of liquids, just not alone and not at ribald establishments. Get lots of rest and watch inordinate amounts of daytime television. If symptoms persist, go see your family doctor, but go there in a plastic bubble so as not to spread your disease or catch something worse. |
