Wednesday, December 20, 2000
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Wednesday, December 20, 2000 |
| Mike's
Christams gift to his faithful readers By MICHAEL
BOYLAN There will be no story this week, as I have chosen to write a column about the upcoming Christmas holiday. Christmas is about many things, but mostly it is about tradition. Each family has its own Christmas traditions and each year they will expand as new traditions are added and new people join the celebration. Traditions range from preparing the same dishes each year to songs that are always sung, stories that are annually told or movies that the family gathers around to watch. This year, I would like to start some new traditions and I'd like to include all of my faithful readers. That way, as the years go on, we will all look back to this column and say, "This is where our favorite traditions started." In this column, I will present some new Christmas songs and stories. You may choose to adopt all three of these traditions or none of them. The Christmas carol I have written is "Ho Ho Ho." It is sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells." I would love for someone to record this song, so that each Christmas I could receive a royalty check, making my Christmas that much merrier.
Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho That's what Santa says Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho I guess that's how he laughs Oh, Santa laughs a lot It's like he cannot stop. His reindeer think he's crazy, but they cannot talk. That's why children cry while sitting on his lap It's because he keeps on laughing and never shuts his trap. And he owns some elves; they probably don't get paid. My dad says there's no union so they might get laid - off Ho, Ho, Ho Ho, Ho, Ho, You'd be laughing too If you only worked one night and owned a petting zoo. Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho Maybe it's a show. Santa's really very sad and no one will ever know.
Wasn't that fun? A fun new Christmas carol to be sung that hasn't been overplayed yet. Next time you're in Kroger and the muzak version of "Jingle bells" comes on, you can sing along with these brand new lyrics. One thing that I've thought about this Christmas is: how did Santa Claus become Santa Claus? Was he always a portly, jolly fellow with a snow white beard and a propensity for delivering gifts worldwide? The answer, I've decided, is no. Here's my take on the whole Santa Claus mystery. There was a time in history when people were exploring the far reaches of the world. Sir Edmund Hillary and Richard Byrd were two such explorers. Hillary went exploring on Mount Everest, while Byrd explored Antarctica. Following in their footsteps was a man named Tim Randolph, who was exploring the now famous North Pole. Randolph didn't prepare very well and after approximately two weeks of traipsing around the frozen tundra of the north, he passed out. When he came to, he was in a warm house by a fire and was surrounded by tiny Eskimos. The Eskimos, called elves by Randolph because he didn't know what Eskimos were, nursed Randolph back to health. They nursed him almost too well and soon, thanks to a diet of reindeer and polar bear, Randolph was pushing 300 pounds. Randolph was grateful for the "elves'" assistance, but he missed his family and wished to leave. The eskimos did not want Randolph to leave because it had been prophesied that a fat man would come and create jobs for them and keep them happy, safe and warm. Randolph relented, after being threatened by spears, and decided to help pass the time by having the elves make toys for his children, whom he missed dearly. Eventually, there were more toys in the house than there was space for and Randolph convinced the elves that he needed to get rid of them by delivering them. The Eskimos agreed and created a sleigh that could hold his now oppressive weight and all of the toys. They also let him borrow several of the flying reindeer to lift the sleigh. This was his chance to escape the tyranny of the elves and return to his family. The only problem was that now Randolph had no idea where he was or how to return to his home. He flew nearly all around the world searching for his family, including a stop in Hawaii, where he frightened several children swimming.
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