Wednesday, November 1, 2000
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Wednesday, November 1, 2000 |
| All I need to know
I learned at the movies
By BILLY MURPHY I used to rate the movie theaters locally, but it has become fruitless. The movie closed here in Peachtree City. The once simple-to-get-to Newnan has become the poster child for sprawl, congestion and traffic. Thus, I am left with Tinseltown 17 and Cinemark 10 as the place to see my films. I couldn't do any better anyway. Cinemark's Tinseltown is nothing less than what a movie experience should be: great theaters, lots of excited people and, of course, butter-bathed popcorn and half-gallon Diet Cokes. Cinemark 10 is a $1, what else can I say. Simply awesome! Thus, I am going to replace my theater column with another side of the movies that can benefit readers things we can learn from going to the movies. Unless you are perfect and have a perfect perspective on life for example, like most Democrats here are some things that the movies teach us, that can improve our quality of life and maybe even save our lives. First of all, if you are ever being chased by someone trying to kill you, the movies teach us that the perfect way to escape is to duck into any local parade, which, for some reason, happen pretty regularly in the movies. Other good ways to elude would-be attackers is to run along the street and upset every street vendor cart you pass. If you don't have the luxury of being outside while being chased, simply climb into any air conditioning duct and you can be assured of getting away, not to mention you can travel anywhere you like through any building's system. If, by chance, none of these movie tips work and you find yourself cornered by a conscienceless hit man or Mafia strong arm, a camera flash or handful of sand will typically render the surprisingly sensitive would-be murderer incapacitated for enough time to escape. If you have no such props handy, you can also distract him by babbling on about your attacker's partner betrayals and get them into a fight. Then you can just sneak out the back way. Another tip from watching movies is, if you can't remember the local exchange of the person you are calling on the telephone, try 555 as this seems to be the prefix of every telephone number in the country. Also, the movies have given me confidence in flying because I know that even I can fly and land any plane as long as there is someone in the control tower to give me proper instructions. One more bit of advice from the movies if you ever go off to war, do not show anyone a picture of your wife or sweetheart. That is a deathwish and you will surely die. Movies have also taught me some of the major differences between men and women. An example would be the villain. To a woman at the movies, the major villain would be someone who cheated on his wife with her best friend. To a man, the main villain would be someone who has planted a hidden nuclear device. For the woman in a movie, the person who causes them the most stress and pain is their mother; to men it is someone who has tied them up and is shocking them with a cattle prod. In the movies, if a man and woman are strangers, in trouble, on the run, traveling through time, or about to die, they will fall into bed together. In the movies, if a man and woman are in love, made for each other or long lost sweethearts, they will almost make it, then break up and only reunite in the last 45 seconds of the movie. And like this column, the movies always end way too soon or not soon enough. [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://ebilly.net.]
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