By DAVID EPPS
Pastor

A gentleman at church last Sunday was telling me about a strange phenomenon occurring in youth soccer circles these days. Somewhere, somehow, someone came up with the bright idea to have "silent soccer games."

As I understand it, coaches and parents are forbidden to cheer, yell, encourage, or otherwise comment when these "silent soccer" rules are in effect. I suppose that this less than brilliant idea was proposed by someone because some parents and coaches insist on making horse's patoots of themselves at children's athletic events by screaming, cursing, and whatnot.

Given that parents sometimes are given to excessive passion that may manifest itself in crude and rude behavior, doesn't this still seem like an incredible overreaction? I mean, how can you go to see a real sporting event that doesn't include cheering, yelling, clapping, and whooping? "Kill the ump," is a vital part of the American jargon.

Imagine a "silent Super Bowl." It's fourth quarter, the Falcons are 10 yards from paydirt and winning the game (I can dream, can't I?). It's fourth down and goal to go and the Falcons are down by five points. The score is 35-30 and the lead has gone back and forth throughout the tense but thrilling contest. The clock is ticking, there are no time outs left, and there are 10 seconds left to go in the game.

In the eerie silence of the Georgia Dome (silent Super Bowl, remember?), the Falcons line up, snap the ball, and as bodies crunch together and men groan and grunt, the quarterback fires a pass into the end zone, the Falcons win the Super Bowl, and hell freezes over.

In response, the 60,000 to 80,000 in attendance applaud politely and quietly, the announcer whispers the results into the microphone, and the players shake hands and leave the field quietly.

What is this, golf?

I think golf is the best game on television on a Sunday afternoon. I can get a bowl of popcorn, a diet soda, sit in my easy chair, and fall asleep in 15 seconds. Golf, for people like me, is a terribly boring game to watch. I tried to play it years ago and was bored then, too. Not nearly enough action. No cheerleaders, no fat drunk guys with painted mid-drifts, no guy holding a John 3:16 sign for the camera, and no screaming or yelling partisan fans.

Personally, I think that Tiger Woods has it way too easy. I think that the galleries should be allowed to scream their support and, if they so choose, attempt to distract the golfers. I think when Tiger is attempting to make that zillion dollar putt, hundreds of people with long balloons should be allowed to wave them, jump up and down, and whistle like they do at basketball foul shot attempts.

In fact, I think that you should give Tiger and the other golfers 10 seconds to make the putt before rushing them with big 300-pound guys in helmets and pads. I mean, that's a real sport.

Even tennis has gotten a bit rowdy these days and I personally think that a pretty good thing.

I understand that well-intentioned people are trying to protect Johnny and Jane's self-esteem and I understand that people are tired of loudmouthed buffoons who sling abuse and sarcasm like so much slimy mud. But self-esteem is imparted by success and life is full of disappointments, so kids might just as well begin to learn that early. "Silent soccer" does them no favors.

So, here's my suggestion. Throw abusing and obnoxious parents off the field. Ban those coaches whose only goal is to win and whose primary coaching method is intimidation. But do away with this ridiculous notion of "silent soccer."

It's not just a bad idea, it's a silly and stupid one, if you'll forgive my saying so. I've had three sons and a grandson in soccer through the years and I think I would have exploded if I'd had to be silent.

If you want to participate in a silent sport, go watch golf.

[David Epps is rector of Christ the King Church in Peachtree City. He may be contacted at FatherDavidEpps@aol.com or at www.ChristTheKingCEC.com.]

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