Wednesday, October 18, 2000

By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

Though not as well-known as Bush and Gore's, I have just finished my last in a series of three presidential debates with my opponent in the "third tier" candidate race. The third tier presidential race is a junior varsity of sorts for people who one day seek the highest and most powerful office in the world (next to Oprah Winfrey's). This third tier race is not for career politicians but just normal people who really care about the country and seek the power to outlaw the showing of Olympic events half-a-day after everyone knows the outcome.

My opponent in the three debates has been pop singer Britney Spears and our moderator, Walter Cronkite, the only newsman older and more out-of-it than Jim Lehrer. Here is a partial transcript of the aforementioned debate:

Cronkite: "Mr. Murphy, can you give your opinions on campaign finance?"

Murphy: "Thank you, Walt, and give my regards to your old partner, Ebert. Campaign finance is an issue of utmost importance to the American people. The office of president should not be influenced and controlled by Forbes 100 corporations or large money celebrity contributors like Eric Estrada. The office should maintain the history and traditions of past presidencies... those controlled by the Mafia and celebrity-heroes like Frank Sinatra."

Cronkite: "Ms. Spears, your rebuttal?"

Spears: "The key issue my opponent is not mentioning is 'soft money.' Soft money is the key because it is worth so much more than the 'hard money.' The hard money jingles in your pocket and will hardly buy you an Evian out of a vending machine anymore. Soft money has cool pictures of presidents on it and has neat foreign sayings written in Spanish or something."

Cronkite: "Your turn to begin, Ms. Spears."

Spears: "Hit me baby, one more time!"

Cronkite: "Excuse me?"

Spears: "Uh... never mind, continue."

Cronkite: "Okay, Ms. Spears, where do you stand on the environment?"

Spears: "On the environment, I typically stand on six-hundred dollar 'Gucci pumps.' But, seriously, we need to protect the environment at all costs. My plan would include building one nuclear plant in every city in the country for the purpose of sucking the pollution out of the air. My enviro-mantra is going to be 'To be a new, clear activist, you need a nuclear reactor.'"

Cronkite: "Mr. Murphy, your rebuttal?"

Murphy: "Ladies and gentleman, my opponent's ideas have gone fission. If we want cleaner air, we just need to get that Native American guy back from the '70s; the one who used to do the litter commercials. They would show that tear in his eye and the next day half the country was scouring the highways looking for trash like the Atlanta Braves looking for their talent."

Cronkite: "Okay, we have just enough time for one more topic. Mr. Murphy, what are your ideas on Social Security?"

Murphy: "Simple. Taking at least a portion of the program and turning it private would solve the problems of declining demographic revenues, all the while subsidizing the inherent foundation of long-term interest-based growth income. That... and if old people would just not live so long."

Cronkite: "Stick it in your ear."

Murphy: "Excuse me?"

Cronkite: "Nothing. Now, Ms. Spears, do you have a refutation?"

Spears: "What does my refutation have to do with this? Those are all lies and gossip. I was still growing and developing. But I do want to respond, because I do put the 'butt' in rebuttal! My opponent doesn't know a thing about Social Security. I am at the top of my peer group and that is true social security. As long as you stay at the top you will always have the assurance of popularity and friends. All it takes is a little starvation, a lot of makeup and a belief that it's what's outside that counts, not inside."

Cronkite: "And that's the way it is."

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