By MICHAEL BOYLAN
mboylan@thecitizennews.com

My mom is a nurse and she has told me this story several times.

A lady had a baby and several days after it was born, my mother asked the lady what she was going to name the baby.

"I want to keep the name y'all put there," the lady responded. My mother was confused, as the hospital is not in the business of naming the baby.

"What name do you mean?"

"Female" the lady answered, pronouncing it feh-mali.

That is a true story.

There are other cases of what can only be classified as a mild form of child abuse. Such as the lady who named her two sons Lemonjello and Orangejello, or the parents who named their daughter Crystal Chanda Lear.

These stories are really sad, but we never find out what happened to them in the years since their namings. I can only imagine that the jello brothers were teased unmercifully and the girl named Female must have had her fair share of abuse as well. Kids can be cruel, but is it not more cruel that their parents paved the way for the teasing?

What about the people with the last name Butts, who opted to name their child Harry? Do these people really have no clue as to how that name will be mocked for the child's entire life? Why not just name the boy Kickme or Ima Moron?

Here's another classic example. My friend knows a girl named Febreze. Febreze is a cleaning product. You wouldn't name your daughter Lysol, would you? This is my son Windex and his sister, 409. There is also a lady named Aquanette that works in my girlfriend's office in Atlanta. Aquanette? Like the hair spray?

I realize that people want to make their children feel special and unique, but there is a time and a place for everything. And granted, sometimes the name you give your child won't haunt them until later.

There is a teacher named Richard Weed. As I have been told, he often refers to his first name as a popular nickname. Not a good idea among high school students. Another example is my driving instructor named Mr. Carr. That is the same as a dentist named Dr. Payne.

Here's my last anecdote about poor naming. I was on a bus in Boston this summer and two very young and very stupid girls were talking (very loudly) about baby names.

"My cousin named her baby girl Corona, because that is her favorite drink."

"That is so cool. I should name my baby Bailey Amaretto."

All I could think was that I too would name my first born child after alcohol: Coors Manieschewitz or Budweiser NightTrain.

This is just another case of thinking before you act. Weigh the consequences of your actions before making a life-altering decision, especially if it's not your life.

In writing this article, I realize how close I came to having an entirely different life. My parents were thinking of naming me either Stu or Walter. Think about it.

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