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Updating a classic
piece of Literate
By
MICHAEL BOYLAN
mboylan@thecitizennews.com
Sorry, Dante, but a lot of things have changed since you told the world
of your journey to Hell.
Heck, America wasn't even in existence when you penned your classic work,
"The Inferno," and believe me, the underworld has been Americanized.
It is time to tell the world what awaits them there if they live a life
of sin.
There are still several levels, but there are too many people to be separated
into distinctions for different crimes and lives of sin. The real bad
guys, your Hitlers, Dahmers and such, don't even go to Hell. Their souls
are just snuffed out of existence, like the sticks of fire on "Survivor."
See, Hell doesn't even want to put up with that kind of evil. People should
think of the new Hell as one large line that will eventually lead back
to its beginning for eternity.
The first level is called "Baggage Claim." Everyone who enters
Hell must wait at the Baggage Claim area for their luggage. The kicker
is that all of the bags look the same and you don't know which bags are
yours. Therefore, you must lift each bag and read a small tag on the back
of every parcel.
The second level is called "The Doctor's Office." Here you will
wait hours upon hours, listening to the painfully wet coughs of the person
next to you. There will be copies of fishing magazines and all of the
copies of Highlights magazine will have all of the hidden pictures circled.
Every name that will be called will sound like your name at the beginning,
just to give you a glimmer of hope. For example, if your last name is
Jones, the name that will be called will be Jobes.
The next level of the dank and dark pit will be "The Moving Level."
Here, you will have to pack up every object you have ever owned, move
it to a new residence, unpack it and then pack it back up again. The process
will repeat itself several times until you enter the fourth level, "The
Day After Thanksgiving Sale." Here, you are an employee in a very
large toy store and you must serve the customers at the annual sale. Your
day starts at 5 a.m. and has no definite end.
The fifth level is "Happy Hour," because no place is all bad.
Unfortunately, it only lasts one hour and, considering that getting through
the first four levels may have taken close to 100 years, one hour of relaxation
is punishment in itself. Especially when you consider the sixth level
of hell, "The Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Viewing Room."
Here, all residents of Hell are required to watch every minute of every
movie, video and television program featuring the lovable twins. Before
you think that there will only be around 20 things to watch, Hell has
produced, through the wonders of digital technology, 86 more films starring
the Olsen Twins, such as "President Twins," "Superhero
Sisters," and "Casablanca," with the girls reprising all
of your favorite roles from the classic film.
The seventh and final level of Hell is what has been represented all along,
lakes of fire, brimstone, and backbreaking menial labor. The production
values are exceedingly high, however, so "Happy Hour" notwithstanding,
this is the shortest level of the Hell experience, before you head back
to the beginning level.
Of course, if you live a good life and do good deeds, you will never have
to experience Hell. Other than the little Hells that we already have to
experience here on Earth.
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