| Murphy's 12 steps
to fitness
By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines
Murphy's 12 steps to fitness
This week I made my way back down to the altar of exercise as I started
working out all over again. For a lot of reasons over the summer, I had
gotten out of the routine of going to World Gym. And though I have written
often about my progress since joining last winter, this is the first time
I have fallen off the wagon. So now it is time to start back.
Though I am not a licensed counselor or a member of a 12-step program
myself, through watching lots of television, I am familiar with the path
to restoration. So, for others trying to begin again in the battle against
chubbiness, I offer my own 12-step gym program. I hope it works for you.
(These have been slightly altered from the 12-Step Creed of AA.)
1. "Admit you are powerless...." Exercise and weight training
can make your body stronger and give you a cardiovascular lift. Recognize
that the way to a raised pulse and an energized heart is a good workout,
not four cups of coffee in the morning. Lifting yourself out of bed does
not count as push-ups and walking into McDonald's instead of going through
the drive-thru is not calisthenics.
2. "A power greater than ourselves can restore us...." Look
to Richard Hatch, the winner of Survivor. He lost over 100 pounds before
he was on the island and another 34 while there. Though a diet of rat
and bug larvae does make a low-cal diet, most of his calories were burned
just by his restraint in not slapping truck-driver Susan in the mouth,
repeatedly. Follow his example of restraint and burn calories by not cussing
out people in the gym who hog the machines or talk on the cell phone while
working out.
3. "Make a decision to turn over your will...." Or, at least
make out a will if you can't turn over without help.
4. "Make a searching and fearless moral inventory...." My mother
used to say, "Clean hands mean a clean heart, a hard heart means
your hands are covered with guilt, powdered sugar and lard."
5. "Admit our wrongs...." Get off the dad-blame cell phone while
exercising.
6. "Be ready to remove defects...." Does this mean get liposuction
or a tummy tuck? OK, so don't follow the Survivor-guy's example on this
one. But do get rid of those dangerous, unhealthy habits like putting
double pats of butter on your french fries or driving around with a Hooter's
bumper sticker on your car.
7, 8, 9 and 10. "Blah blah blah, generally turn into an overly sensitive
dote and bare all your faults...." See Richard Hatch, the Survivor
guy nude.
11. "Pray." Especially if you are lifting alone without a spotter
or if you just winked at some girl, but the body builder behind her thought
it was for him.
12. "Carry the message to others...." Just don't do it without
showering and especially not on the cell phone while exercising.
[Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://ebilly.net.]
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