By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

The Olympics are starting soon and I can't believe it has already been four years since Richard Jewel became patron saint of the security guards by turning a false arrest into millions.

If you are unaware, the Olympics are for amateur athletes who are mostly 30-year-old millionaires. These amateur athletes differ from professionals because they have never been arrested.

This year's Olympics promise to be the most spectacular ever, not because of the proficiency of the athletes but because of the Australian setting. I can't wait to see Crocodile Dundee light the torch by throwing a flaming Bowie knife. Or, for a real touch, during the parade, Australia could send out gloved kangaroos as their boxing team.

One of the real problems of the Olympics this time around is the time difference. We are half a day apart so the games will be going while we sleep, which — if you recall the last Olympics — that is really a redundant statement.

There are some new events slated at these new games. If I'm correct, there will be a new team sport called, “Please kill that fat, gay guy off the `Survivor' show.”

Javelin toss records are expected to be broken daily since the spears will no longer be tossed into an open field. The field has been replaced with swimming pool-sized picture of Kathy Lee Gifford. This javelin toss change has been made following the success of the Celine Dion archery bull's-eye.

Also, gymnastics will now be much like boxing and wrestling, being divided into weight classes. The lightweight division will still garner most of the attention and press, but the new super-heavyweight division should prove to be interesting, given the story of Agnes Clodfelter, a part-time Wal-Mart cashier. For the new higher weight divisions the balance beam has been renamed the bowed-in-the-middle beam and the floor exercise has been altered to include a drive-through Dairy Queen in one corner.

All in all, the story of the Olympics is about strength, discipline and which athletes have had family members die.

Also in the news is the Republican Convention being held in Philadelphia, a town so hip they named it after an Elton John song. I am mostly confused about Philadelphia. Is it the “City of Freedom”? Or is it the “City of Brotherly Love”? It has been called both.

Can't they get those people who finally removed the Rebel flag from the South Carolina capital to come in here and solve this one? Of course, by they time they are done they will have melted down the Liberty Bell because its crack offends refrigerator repairmen and construction workers from sea to shining sea.

It's been quite a black eye on the city to play the just-released movie, “Rodney King, Episode II, The Camcorder Menace” just as the convention hits. Maybe the “City of Brotherly Love,” is the nickname to ax. At least the economy in Philadelphia should benefit from the convention. Strom Thurmond's Viagra prescriptions alone should boost local commerce into the millions.

There are no real secrets how the convention will turn out. On the fringe, a few burning questions do remain though: “Will Dan Quayle beat out Newt Gingrich for the `Celebrity Bartender' concession?”

And, what theme song will George W. pick for the campaign: Clapton's “Cocaine,” Queen's “Another One Bites the Dust,” or the traditional, “Oh My Papa”?

We will just have to wait and see, and thanks to Al Gore, we can at least do it on the Internet.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://ebilly.net.]

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