By MICHAEL BOYLAN
mboylan@thecitizennews.com

My friends are getting married this weekend.

You know you're getting old when that happens. Unless, of course, you live in some weirdo country that allows children to wed, like Zambezia or Alabama.

I am very happy for my friends. If anybody can beat the terrible odds of having a successful marriage, it is them. They are the type of couple that just works perfectly together. Their foibles complement each other's foibles and are never too annoying or tiresome. Their relationship is what I aspire to in my current relationship.

Interestingly enough, my friends had always claimed that they would never get married. They said they would be content just to live together like Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins: “The Next Generation.” It's funny how things change.

And now, the pressure is on me. It seems that all the talk this year is about marriage. In addition to my friends' upcoming wedding, two of my cousins are also getting married this year and my girlfriend has been invited to 12 weddings. My mom seems to have this sly smile whenever the topic comes up.

I'm not afraid of marriage or commitment and I fully believe that someday, perhaps even soon, I will enter the sanctity of marriage. I just hate weddings.

Before all of you readers hop on your computer to send me angry e-mail, let me explain. I have only been to three weddings and one of those was for a person I did not even know. That is my first problem with weddings — they are filled with people that hardly anybody knows. If you're not a blood relative or a very close friend, then you're just there to give an extra gift. Of course you get fed and entertained for several hours for giving that gift, so it balances out.

Also, half the people there don't want to be there and we all know which half that is, right? Men. Weddings always seem to take place on the weekends and people can always find some way that they would rather spend the weekend than doing the hokey-pokey or the chicken dance.

My second major problem with weddings involves the enormous cost. An entire industry is based on the wedding, including clothes, food, entertainment, photographs, space, the cake, the preacher. The money that is spent on the wedding could be used as a down payment for a house or car. Instead it is used to impress people that you may never see again.

I have heard hundreds of horror stories about weddings recently, including a bride who made her bridesmaids pay close to $500 for their outfits. The girls that were talking about it mentioned that several bridesmaids were planning on exacting their revenge for the cost when they got married.

Revenge? Since when was that part of the sacred vows?

Marriage, to me, is about making a commitment to a person. That commitment is made out of love and should be shared only with those who truly love the couple. Close relatives and close friends should be there to welcome the couple to the next stage of their life. People should not be invited to a wedding just because you don't want them to feel slighted.

Now that my complaining is out of the way, let me use this space to wish my friends Pat and Danielle ultimate happiness. No couple deserves it more. I will also use this space to answer my mother's impending question... ”When we're good and ready.”

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