By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

I may be naive. I may be dumb. I may even be a boob, but I just don't understand all the opposition to having a Hooters restaurant in Fayetteville.

We have music-themed eateries with Hard Rock Cafe. We have movie-themed diners with Planet Hollywood. So, why can't we have a place like Hooters, with a nocturnal-bird theme? Why such owl discrimination?

Maybe it is the huge, haunting eyes of the bird on their logo that upsets some people. Some though, seem strangely excited by the pair.

I have taken a little amateur survey and most of the guys I have talked to are appalled at the prejudice. My friends (those interested enough to pull themselves away from the “World Wrestling Federation”) uttered words like, “devastating,” “crushing” and “duh?” Considering the close-mindedness of the community, I feel dumbstruck, like a deer caught staring into headlights.

My ideas may come up flat here, but I see a lot of useful reasons for having a place in town that focuses on the bird-lover in us all. I heard a couple of guys, who have never even been interested in ornithology, say they were going out to buy binoculars the day Hooters opened. I don't really stay abreast of museums and nature conclaves but if I am ever going to start, it seems now would be the time.

I overheard some of these guy friends and they seemed to be talking about other “themed” restaurant ideas, too. It must have been a goose-themed place when I heard one pal talk about “Honkers.” And another seemed to be suggesting a dairy-themed diner called “Jugs.” One restaurant they discussed seemed like it would have a “Cheers-like” spacious, open atmosphere centered on saying good-bye creatively to buddies called Bodacious Ta-Ta's.

Any of these would be as likely to be successful as cold-weather themed “Chilis,” or what I think is the most distastefully named restaurant in the world, obviously named for a holding drum full of rednecks (not to mention reverse-racist): Cracker Barrel. People are sick.

But, let's dwell on Hooters for a moment.... Okay, I'm back. I love eating out and I love nature, so I obviously feel I could give Hooters some pointers or tips on how to make a perky impression on Fayetteville City Council members.

What they need is a catch phrase that makes people feel okay about visiting a combination restaurant and bird sanctuary — some community-spirited bumper stickers that say, “I'm a Hooters supporter.” Or the confidence-minded, “Hooters stand together.” The touchy-feely family-oriented, “My Dad loves Hooters,” could be just what the restaurant needs to make it here in town.

If nothing else works we could get the ACLU to sue in the name of bird lovers everywhere. This could be their most noble case ever. I don't know, I am just groping for some conclusion to all this. Underneath it all there seems to be a cleavage ripped through our community.

We also need to consider the innocent victims in this fight, the waitresses. They always seem to be women on the bottom of the pay scale, as I have heard they come to work with barely any clothes. Another neglected gender group gone bust, I guess.

To finish my speech, I will say that we do already have a Hooters close by in Newnan and I have never visited it. I am sure it serves their community well. But this is the year 2000 and it's all about choice, so considering the distance from Peachtree City, where I live, to Newnan, I would rather have the option of having one in Fayetteville also, so I could be between two Hooters.

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