By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

I, like a lot of people go to church pretty much every Sunday. Yet, like Mark Twain said, (or Samuel Clemens, I'm not sure which) “It's not what I don't understand about the Bible that causes me distress, It's what I do understand.” And though church is a place that pretty much serves to remind me just how bad a person I am, I know I would be a lot worse a person without it.

That's not to say I am even perfect in church. I get yelled at still to this day by adults for falling asleep consistently. They don't understand, I have a rare form of narcolepsy called “sermonlepsy.” It is an awful disease and someone like Michael J. Fox should start a foundation for it.

Even though I am no help, especially worthy of our support and consideration is the preacher. He puts up with so many of us weird people and comes back for more and more. He offers his words and put them out there for public scrutiny way beyond what a person should endure. Yet sometimes over the years I have detected that what the preacher was saying and what he meant might have different meanings. Thus I offer you these:

What he says: “The world is asleep and they need for us to bring them back to life!“ What he means: Could someone please wake up Mr. Johnson. He is snoring again.

What he says: “I hope this sermon will give you the motivation to ask yourself, “What am I giving? A little time, a little effort...” What he means: ...Perhaps more than that a little five-dollar bill every month.

What he says: “As I look out over this congregation, I see hungry, thirsty people.” What he means: I see people who are dying for me to get them out of here early enough to beat the other churches to Longhorn Steakhouse.

What he says: “The special music this morning by Mrs. Birch was indescribable.” What he means: ...Not to mention indecipherable and inde-wrong key.

What he says: “During the week, when I am reaching out to so many others....” What he means: I am up to mailing 10 resumes a week to other churches now.

What he says: “Just this morning, I was reading the headline from the newspaper and it said...” What he means: Can you figure out just how much preparation I put into today's sermon?

What he says: “Only God knows your sins.” What he means: But Carol Ford who works in the nursery knows a pretty good deal about everybody too.

What he says: “In conclusion...” What he means: Just three more pages of sermon notes to go.

Maybe I am wrong about any or all of these. Maybe this is all just a ploy to get us all to listen harder to the sermon. Maybe.

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