By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

Oh, the irony of these “naturalist“ hypocrites. Let me explain. For years now, all I ever hear is how all these so-called suburban nature lovers care so much about the ecosystem and how we need to keep things the way they are supposed to be. Then why are all these same people watering their lawns? Now that nature has decided to be cruel and give us this drought, why are these nature lovers going against what nature is trying to do?

Of course, the drought is not funny, and in part I write this article to maybe make it rain, as one would wash their car to get the same affect. Yet, I find it humorous that all the loudmouth tree-huggers who wish to defy any semblance of asphalt-based growth are now defying their mother-nature by trying to keep their lawns alive.

“Try to knock down a tree, I will squeal like a pig. Try to build a new store and I will cry from the earth. But if my petunias start wilting, I am gonna drain the lakes and ponds dryer than a bone to get me a pretty, pink flowers!“

Of all the hypocrites, there is none worse than the person who is overly pious for something that makes them think they are better than everyone else. It is like that girl you took out one time and all her good looks and nice perfume couldn't overcome her attitude when she so arrogantly announced, “I'm a vegetarian.“ Like somehow being a herbivore makes one better than the rest of us meat-eaters. Do these people go to the zoo and yell at the cheetahs... “Don't you get it, you spotted mongrel? With your diet, you aren't gonna live past 50!“

So it is with today's self-professed “watchers of the woods.“ They recycle, but drive gas-guzzling SUVs. They want to save the ducks, whales and trees, yet they would never join me in a march to save Melrose Place. They abhor the wearing of fur but lace $130 leather sneakers. Paradoxical hypocrites, every one. At least most of them are washing down their lithium, Valium and Prozac with clear, natural spring water. I down my BC powders with a tepid, flat Diet Coke.

I'm not saying quit watering your lawn. I am just saying, don't pretend to be a nature freak and water your lawn. Love nature in its gory as well as its glory.

I know I have a certain level of arrogance concerning nature myself. I grew up in a house where 80 percent of our food was brought in from our own gardens, the lake or the woods. We shot and killed game and we caught fish for our meals. Maybe it's just me but once you have gutted a wild boar, worrying about a tree or two doesn't make it to the top of the list.

In reality (like right now), nature is a lot more cruel than the environmentalists would have you believe. Nature has no diplomacy or tact at all. Though we like to think of warm breezes and orange sunsets, a river will drown a baby faster than you can say Pokemon and you just leave your pooch in the car with the windows up while you go into the Kroger.

I know I am being macabre, but it does put our little drought in perspective. We are lucky to have water to drink (not that we would actually drink spigot water). We are lucky to have water to bathe. And most of all we are lucky to have water to waste on our lawns.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://ebilly.net.]

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