Wednesday, June 21, 2000
Wednesday, June 21, 2000 |
| Summer
survivor By PAT NEWMAN Be the last survivor on a rat-infested island and win $1 million. Piece of cake. Survive a Georgia summer with three kids uttering the mantra, “I'm hot; I'm bored; I'm hungry,” and you can petition the Vatican for instant beatification. The participants on the TV hit “Survivor” must spend around 16 weeks together, hunt their own food and compete in various athletic contests. Mothers spend 18 years tethered to one or more children, scavenge the supermarket aisles daily for vitamin-fortified foods their kids will eat, and can juggle a telephone, a baby, a vacuum cleaner and a sippy cup with ease. These TV survivors are wimps. So what if they eat crunchy caterpillar larvae and roasted rat. In the course of a child's upbringing, the average mom consumes twice her weight in McDonald's quarter pounders, washed down by several hundred gallons of diet cola. Athletic pursuits range from scaling a ladder to rescue a frisbee lodged in a tree to hoisting a canoe onto the top of a minivan. The tribes on survivor are no different than the family unit. The only good thing is that they get to vote members who shirk their duties or behave inappropriately off the island. Unfortunately, ill-mannered children can only be banished to their rooms or a handy closet for a set period of time and cannot be air lifted to Aunt Sandy's in Oregon to live until the age of 21. Summer signals the time for all mothers to switch into high survival mode. To make it through 10 full weeks without having a nervous breakdown, or a visit by the Department of Social Services, it is imperative to be prepared. First off, a fully stocked refrigerator and freezer is a must. Never run out of popsicles or sunscreen. Make sure you are within 10 minutes driving distance of a swimming pool. Shades should be drawn and clocks set back two hours at bed time to deter early risers. Chore lists should engage children for at least one hour a day. Hide all “Barney” videos. Afternoon naps are mandatory. Car trips in excess of two hours should be avoided. And if all else fails, sign up to be a contestant on the next edition of “Survivor.” A vacation in the Australian outback sounds heavenly.
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