By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

There is much to be pondered about hair. Hair is, one minute, beautiful, soft and luscious, and the next minute, gross, disgusting and limp. When we want to be specific we can “split hairs.” When we upset or annoy someone, we are said to be “in their hair.” I know I am be stretching it here, but what the heck, I guess I'm gonna “let my hair down.”

The thing about hair is, it should stay where it's supposed to stay. On the head of the average super model (approximately one-third their body weight) hair is mostly beautiful. At the bottom of the average bowl of chili, hair is scurrilous (I put that term in to throw off the super models). Thus, “brushing blow-dried bangs at the beauty parlor while braiding the brunette's bouffant into a bun” is OK. But, “slurping a shock of shaggy, shaved sideburns from soup,” is definitely not. That's sick enough to curl your hair.

The reactions concerning hair differs among women and men, too. Women definitely want men who have hair on their head. They definitely don't want men who have hair on their back, their toes, or coming out of their ears.

Men only care about a woman's hair to the point that it doesn't block ESPN or the side mirror when changing lanes. Men can even overlook a woman with a mustache if she can give good back rubs or drive a stick shift.

Men and women also react differently to the haircut. No matter how bad a job the barber did, men don't care. No matter how good a job the “stylist” did, women are dissatisfied. The odds of a woman having her hair cut and being happy are the same as the odds of John Rocker doing a guest spot on “Will and Grace.”

There are some strange terms and phrases associated with hair: cowlick for instance, or how about dreadlocks? These sound more like names for Pro Wrestling “holds.” “Oh! Did you see that cowlick that Hulk Hogan just put on Sting... Now he has him in a dreadlock!”

I tend to always confuse the terms, hair mousse and moose hair. And what is it with the age-old dare, “It'll put hair on your chest”? I don't have hair on mine and I have never felt the need to have it. I just say, “Grass don't grow on a playground.”

And how flattering is it for a girl to be wearing a ponytail or a pigtail? What a boost this has been through the ages for the self-esteem of our young girls. Get her all primped up and describe her with a barnyard animal. And which one is which? Is the ponytail the one that looks like the Chinese handcuffs or is it the pigtails?

Shampoo is a strange word, too. “Sham” means fake and poo means — well, you know. So is shampoo really fake poo poo? And why do we only shampoo two things, hair and carpets? Now what do these two things have in common? Wait, my uncle Morty is bald and wears a rug. Now I get it. But, I don't think he has been doing any Stanley Steam Cleaning; that make your hair stand on end.

There are some descriptive qualities concerning the coiffure. When one is an obvious winner, he is a “fair-haired” child. Someone incredibly unattractive would be “hair-raising.” But, be careful to take either of these types for granted; both have been known to have a “hair-trigger.”

Concerning these funny follicles, it all comes down to this logic: To be human is to have hair. To have hair, you must use a comb. Thus, combs are what separate us from the animals.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://ebilly.net.]

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