There is absolutely no need to shop for sportswear this spring.

The hottest looks are right on the floor of your closet. Those frayed khakis and dirty denims that you save for working around the house and yard are hot.

According to fashion forward trend setters, worn out looking rags are edgy and hip. And of course we all want to be edgy and hip, especially when we're out on the town, cruising the drive-throughs and clubbing at Cub Foods.

I am the proud owner of a complete wardrobe of cut-off shorts, spattered with paint, and jeans stained with crab grass and motor oil. Now I won't look like an impoverished slob when I pull on my favorite dirt-encrusted Levis — I'll be stylish. This is definitely a fad I can go with.

Now for those of you who recently packed up all your signature jeans for Good Will, there is a price to pay. In order to look cool, be prepared to fork out about $115 for a pair of battered jeans. The alternative is to pick up a pair of second hand pants at the thrift shop and go to work making them look as nasty as possible.

Start by rolling around the yard after a good rain. Then select a rock of your choice and beat the tar out of them. Give your preschoolers some paint, preferably green and brown, and let them decorate your jeans. Rumple them up, stomp on them for about 10 minutes et voila! Instant fashion.

Calvin Klein said his newest line of jeans are “designed to look lived in and personal... they are jeans with character and they're sexy.” Well, they may be personal, but sexy? Oh, come on. On Jennifer Lopez, maybe. But on the average American, I think not.

While we're talking dirty, there is another new product designed just for hair to make it look, well, dirty. This mud-like pomade was featured in the big city paper last week. Now you can purchase this ridiculously priced gel to make your hair look like you haven't washed it in a week! All you have to do is shampoo as usual and apply.

I foresee a whole new market for related products... ,,Compost,” pronounced Compo, a light and invigorating fragrance with notes of rotting citrus and celery, “Socks-so-Stiff,” a starch-like spray to turn brand new crew socks into well-worn friends; “Gucci Grease,” a couture line of door grease extracted from imported luxury cars to apply on expensive designer distressed jeans, and finally, “Cigarette Burn,” a tiny cylinder that contains no tobacco and will light at the flick of switch. Perfect for placing strategic burn holes on fabric.

So get out there and be trendy. We probably won't get this chance to be grubby and gorgeous for another 20 years.

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