I recently purchased a pair of non-prescription eyeglasses. Check me out on the street sometime. They're pretty nice. I think they make me look sophisticated.

The truth of the matter is I am fairly intelligent and it was that keen brain that led me to buy the glasses. You see, being smart, I know that people judge your appearance before they get a chance to judge your personality. Some people might believe that appearance is secondary to character, but they get a good, long look at you before they ever talk to you.

So I like the glasses. I think I look smarter and more hip and so do others. I have been treated differently since I started wearing my faux spectacles. People ask me to help them with math equations, they engage me in debates over opera and I've heard more gripes about contact lenses in the past three days than I had heard over the past three years.

I have also noticed that my behavior has changed since I started wearing the glasses. I'm more reserved than I usually am, and more organized. My posture is improved (you never see people in glasses slouch do you?) and I've commanded the respect of my peers and colleagues. They walked all over me when I was just a fresh-faced non-bespectacled young man, but with glasses, I'm not the guy you want to cross. After all, I might take off these glasses and then you'll know you're in trouble.

The only department that the glasses have yet to be tested in is the love department, but I bet more women will talk to me now, too. Who's afraid of a guy in glasses? I'm sure women will make their assumptions based on my new appearance and they can only work in my favor. I don't look overtly nerdy, but just nerdy enough to have a pretty good job and a future. Those things weren't important before, like in high school or college, but they are now.

I recommend that everybody wear glasses. You can do so many cool things with them. If you're frustrated with somebody, take them off and rub the bridge of your nose with your fingers. They'll get the message. You can polish them and look like you take care of your material goods. My favorite thing is to stare out over the top of them, that really sends a message to people. And, of course, nothing is more romantic than peeling off the glasses to move in for a kiss.

Years ago, people would have called me four eyes, but now they all want to know where they can get a pair.

I'm not telling.

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