By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

I had a dream that some of our most famous and infamous presidents got together to discuss the election process and campaign reform for the President of the United States. So, on this 4th of July the father of our country and poster child for orthodontic termite control, George Washington, is sitting with our 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, who in high school was voted, “Most Likely to Emancipate.” Next to Lincoln we find the last president who was a member of the Whig Party and died after just one month in office, William Henry Harrison. He reportedly caught a cold after his inaugural address while walking to the White House in the snow, which developed into a fatal case of pneumonia.

Sitting next to Washington, Lincoln and Harrison is maybe the most popular president ever, being elected to office for four terms. This president assumed office during our Great Depression, Franklin D. Roosevelt. FDR built the economic policies that would avert the country from other depressions, even during its darkest periods in the '70s: Disco. Lastly, in my dream, we have our presidents who are more infamous for their problems during their terms; the first president ever to resign, Richard Nixon, and our current president, Bill Clinton.

Their discussion on the election process and campaign reform for the president of the United States begins with Abraham Lincoln saying it is good democracy yet changes are in order. George Washington and William Henry Harrison agree, Franklin D. Roosevelt says vast modifications are needed and those not paying attention are Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton.

Roosevelt brings up the need for more voters to turn out at the polls. Clinton and Harrison agree. Lincoln suggests some form of tax credit for voters, Washington calls that bribery and Nixon isn't paying attention. He does perk up, however, when Washington and Lincoln get into a heated debate. Honest Abe and “I will not tell a lie” Washington fight over who Americans saw as the most truthful. After telling Lincoln his hat is full of “stove pipe stuffing,” Washington concedes they were equally honest and that at least they never had to discuss sex with Kenneth Starr.

William Henry Harrison applauds the electoral vote process, noting how his grandson, president Benjamin Harrison, actually had 100,000 less votes in his election yet still won. Washington calls this poppycock, Lincoln says it is fair democracy and those giving no comment are Clinton, Roosevelt and a now sleeping Richard Nixon.

Nixon does wake up though and adds that the election process has been ruined because the American people are too manipulated concerning the truth by the media. Clinton amens. Roosevelt, Lincoln and Washington ask, “What is a media?” Harrison dies.

The presidents start discussing campaign reform and all agree that too much “soft” money is tainting the whole process. Washington indicates better policies should be in place and Nixon suggests more security measures. Roosevelt starts a good debate on how each national party needs to be more responsible. All agree that Pat Buchanan is a nut and that Donald Trump should stop with that “swoop hair thing” to cover his bald spot.

In the true spirit of democracy these presidents end their day of discussion in a peaceful union. Washington hugs Lincoln. Roosevelt embraces Harrison (to a cold stare) and Clinton tells Nixon to get his hand out of his pocket.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://billymurphy.homepage.com.]

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