By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

(Note: All the names in this article on World Gym have been changed, not to protect the innocent but to protect me; as most of the people that workout there could whip my butt. And I'm just talking about the women!)

My wife gave me a club membership at World Gym in Peachtree City for my 42nd birthday in November. Thus, after approximately 39 days (six actually working out) I am ready to deliver my expertise on the fitness experience to help all you lazy, anemic people who made a New Year's resolution to get back into shape. Mind you, don't try to keep my pace, but here is an all-inclusive tour of the professional fitness center of which I attend.

As I enter the gym I walk proud, knowing that even though I am 42, I have the body of a 41-and-a-half-year-old. I generally start my workout warming up, stretching and then removing the extra weight of the Snickers bars from my sweat jacket pockets. The well-trained instructors there always give great lifting advice as well as hints on how to dislodge my head from most of the equipment.

Sometimes the gym can be daunting visually — all the mirrors, protrusions and plastics. And I'm just talking about the women! Seriously though, the gym is always brimming with excited members, pumping, dipping, crunching and curling, none more excited than the only person I know there, my friend we will call “Jim Bob.” From the first day I came to the club he would always ask, “Have you seen her yet? Have you seen hot pants girl?”

Now I truly appreciate that this gym for the new century is about serious performance and not like the sweat and mingle shops of the '80s where lifting took a back seat to “picking up,” so I was surprised my friend was so obvious. He is single, though, and must be a connoisseur of fashion to notice the style of a woman's apparel. I believe this woman he speaks of is a ghost though, a vapor, as I have never seen her. Yet he still asks, “Have you seen hot pants girl?”

There are many “types” in the typical gym setting. The most serious I see, is a posse of men I have named the “Free Weight Freddies.” These guys are bursting forth with muscles that I could only wish to attain. They are about “feel the burn,” and “just one more rep!” They hang together, spot together and excel together. If the gym were baseball, these guys are the New York Yankees.

Best thing not to say: “Hey guys, wanna grab a lattÈ after the workout?” Best reason to buddy up: If you have a flat tire, they can hold you car up while you change it.

The second “type” I have noticed in the gym are the ones I call “Married with Biceps.” These are mostly women who want to retain some semblance of their former selves in spite of having a spouse and kids. They come straight from work, rushing to fit in a workout before they head home to a house full of Pokemon toys and discussions on the benefits of eating broccoli.

Best thing not to say: “Excuse me, but you have a lollipop stuck to the back of your shorts.” Best reason to buddy up: When there are disputes over the use of the machines, they can resolve using just a coloring book and crayons.

The third “type” in the gym is “Hangout Harry and Harriet.” I have spent hours observing them, and these men and women never, ever work out. They are the type to take a shower or put on makeup before they come to the gym. They just seem to feel they are going to get fit through osmosis. They stand around chatting, walking around wiping down machines like they had just done exercises and drink an awful lot from the water fountain.

Best thing not to say: “Excuse me, but have you ever bent at the waist?” Best reason to buddy up: Impeccable fashion, coordinated outfits and the smell of mouthwash.

The last “type” at the gym and probably the category I fit into is the group I call, “ER Bound, It's Just a Matter of Time.” We try our hardest but people always seem to come up and say. “Are you okay? You look like you're having a heart attack.” This type leaves a lot of sweat around and mostly has to wear full t-shirts due to excessive back hair (and I'm just talking about the women!). A lot of the men like me could probably use a sports bra.

Best thing not to say: “Did he faint or is he dead?” Best reason to buddy up: Can buy their membership card cheap within two months of sign-up.

Yet no matter what, the main thing is to work hard, have fun and keep dreaming that just like Santa Claus, there really is a “hot pants girl.”

[Visit Billy Murphy on the Web at http://billymurphy.homepage.com.]

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