Round is a shape

So I like to eat, lie around and not exercise. Is that a crime?

Nope, but my doctor said it’s unhealthy. He told me to get an exercise plan, lose weight and get back into shape.

I argued with him, “I already have a plan. On the weekends, I jog from the recliner to the refrigerator and back. And I’m already in shape. Round is a shape.” My doctor wasn’t amused.

Along with the New Year comes diet time again. I could follow the doctor’s advice and start lifting weights and running. But to be honest, I don’t need to carry around any more pounds and no one really enjoys running. Ever seen a smiling jogger? I didn’t think so. The reason all runners look like they’re in horrible pain is simple. They are.

Medical experts have said that being overweight might lead to all sorts of bad things: diabetes, high blood pressure, and sore joints, just to name a few.

The key word in the sentence above is “might.” You also might get hit by a bus today. At least if you do, you won’t have to worry about losing any weight.

Instead of pointing out the negatives of carrying a few extra pounds, I prefer to concentrate on the positive. I’m positive no one has ever sought medical attention because of lying in a recliner all weekend.

Constantly worrying about weight gain during the holidays will undoubtedly increase your stress level. Increased stress — now that’s a real health concern. We all know stress is the number one cause of heart attacks.

Besides, I just saw Santa at five different stores just last week. For an old fat guy, he didn’t seem to have any trouble getting around, and he certainly wasn’t stressed. Even carrying a few extra pounds, the man was rather jolly about the whole thing.

I guess The Wife and I could join a gym. Sign a long-term contract and pay a bunch of money. If past behavior is any prediction of future behavior, we’ll stop going a month or so after joining – after a gallant effort, of course. Then we’d be stuck with all those payments.

Paying for something you don’t use? Now that’ll get your stress level up. Very unhealthy.

Another weapon in the war against flab is the purchase of a large home gym. This is a positive move and will accomplish two objectives.

First, there’ll be no payments for a gym membership you’ll never use. Whenever you get tired of tripping over the huge box in the middle of the floor, you’ll have something to look forward to. Just think of how many calories can be burned spending all day wrestling with the heavy assembly.

The second and more important reason for spending a ton of money on a home gym is simple. With the spare bedroom full of weightlifting equipment, there will be no room for the in-laws to come and visit. If they don’t visit, they can’t add to your stress level by telling you how much weight you’ve gained over the last year.

Teenagers, though a continual source of stress in any parent’s life, can actually help when it comes to staying on a diet. They’re like human vacuum cleaners — eating all the junk food in the house so you don’t have to.

Surprisingly, I’ve found they can also help reduce your stress level. When they’re eating you out of house and home, just smile with the knowledge that the tendency toward being overweight can be inherited.

I’m not the only one in the family with a little extra padding. Seems one of our cats is toting a few extra pounds around on her furry body.

Yes, we have the stereotypical fat cat. Of course, we were not aware of this until she saw the doctor for her annual checkup. The veterinarian said that cats can develop the same kind of health issues that result from being overweight as their human counterparts.

Diabetes and joint problems are at the top of the fat cat list, but I don’t care what the doc says. I’m drawing the line when it comes to helping her climb in and out of the litter box.

Some parting words before you enter the world of dieting for the New Year. Don’t go to the doctor before the New Year. That way you can enjoy the holidays without worrying about going against what the doctor recommends.

Remember, the most important thing about getting a checkup is keeping things in perspective. When the doctor tells you to lose weight, just looked at his belt. If it’s been let out a couple of notches, take his advice with a spoon full of sugar.

And don’t worry. We’re in the South. Sugar is on everybody’s diet.