It is almost time to wish all in The Citizen Newspaper Nation a merry Christmas holiday season. Ace politico opinion reporter, the cowboy engineer here, just before a wishful unscheduled appearance on the Larry King Live Show.

Back in the hills of Tennessee where I’m from, “Rocky Top” will always be home sweet home to me. Country music is king. There is a beautiful landscape in my home state. In 1979, right after college, I landed in Atlanta, Ga., as a young rookie cowboy engineer. Little did I know what was in store for me.

There is Jay Leno, David Letterman, the late Johnny Carson, and even the great Bill Cosby. For my money, the greatest comic of ‘em all was the late funnyman Lewis Grizzard. Oh, how Lewis brought such joy and laughter to my heart. I don’t think that I could ever forget him. If only I could have 1 percent of his talent, I’d be headed for the big-time. Please let me explain.

After living in PTC and writing letters to the editor, I realize that I, too, can have a career in newspaper comedy and politics writing (a wannabe), if I steal my material from the goings-on in the ways of the all-knowing Maha Plunkett’s majority counsel Gone Rogue.

Therefore, I’m putting this letter column out there (with half my brain tied behind my back just to make it fair), to find out what you think. I give you a fiction, comic relief, political, PTC holiday short story scenario for your enjoyment:

Known to many as the Sour Sewerman (to reach me, call 1-800-SEWERMAN, leave message), I am the mutant offspring of the PTC Sour Sewer Secret Deal of Christmas past. My mission is to eliminate wrongdoer developer-cat injustice wherever it occurs in PTC.

One day I was sleeping in my PTC bed, and I dreamed a dream that frightened me very very much. As I dreamed I heard a make-believe voice saying to me: “You had better watch out, you better not cry, you better watch out I’m telling you why, ‘cause the developer-cats are coming to town.”

I was never all that crazy about cats, and that’s why I had raised AKC collie dogs named Lucky Baby Bubba and Francis Bojangles, back in the day.

One developer-cat got approval to potentially buy some city streets, and caused a traffic light to be scheduled to be put in place, for his already congested PTC west side development. His strong entrenched power-structure influence got things done in PTC.

He got a pass from the Plunkett majority Council by a vote of 3-2. How did he do it? He sweetened the pot with frills and fancy landscaping until the adjacent neighbors and a split council shouted: “Let’s do it because this plan is the best we can have, and we can keep the control. Nobody else should have any right to comment against it.”

Done deal. Soon, he came back to council with more gifts, asking and pushing the envelope even farther by requesting approval for more square footage for his newly approved and bloated big-box shopping surprise.

Another developer fat-cat (a developer fat-cat is 10 times worse than a developer-cat because they like to follow the money and disregard good honest values) went to our PTC “giveaway” Planning Commission to ask if they could please rezone some of their industrial property to residential.

New neighborhood residents could get to see the Great Georgia Airshow for free. Being so close to the industrial park and Falcon Field, those same residents do not have to drive to the factory, they can easily walk it.

Developer fat-cats know that a natural industrial homeowner byproduct of a new “sixth” village concept is the side benefit. That is, keeping the carbon footprint to a minimum will provide the impetus to pacify your so-called Al Gore environmental climate change theorists.

Let the record show that during a third round of golf, these two developer types concluded that PTC taxpayers are the cash-cow bonanza.

Remember the time when our somewhat earlier “Looney-tune” PTC government clowns bought developer fat-cat-held sludge-laced Georgia Utilities land, saddling city taxpayers with a sick police station?

Our leadership dismissed their own poor judgment and tried to blame the disaster on the design-build team. The court system didn’t bite, and PTC gov’t dead-man-walking clowns lost the case.

A builder got ripped after allegations by a PTC consultant-for-hire. Taxpayers got goosed into a pork payment of the station re-do and temporary housing leases for police. Heck, City Council, you bought developer fat-cat (contaminated) property, in my opinion.

Since the developer fat-cats could not dump their other poorly marketed industrial land to a real industry or small college, they had to get some fast cash to help them get through these hard economic times. Nobody ever explained to them all the money they could be saving with GEICO.

The best bet was to take a trumped-up site plan to PTC officials because that approach had worked in the past. They then put forth project site plans du jour to woo our powerful planning committee gone wild. “Let’s stick it to the residents for a 50th PTC birthday gift (spot zoning rocks),” they said. To thine own self be true, I guess.

The drama intensified. Suddenly, in my dream I feared that this all might become a reality. I knew that there was the one thing, the one last playing card that the screwed-up developer-cat wackos can use to make things happen. Dude, these guys will have our PTC officials chomping-at-the-bit, with this final amazing last-ditch site plan proposal.

Their biggest Ace-in-the-Hole is none other than the kitchen sink approach. Why didn’t I think of that? All developer-cat types are waiting to see what will happen with the election. They privately believe that they can do the deal before 2010 because Plunkett’s majority council is going rogue on their puny constituents this year (don’t tell Sarah). It’s Rambo time in a microwave-like end run.

After this, readers, I suddenly awoke. I was sore afraid. My Sewerman costume was still at the dry-cleaners in Aberdeen Village (held for non-payment of city sales tax). Along with the Logsforbrains fairness doctrine bailout to erase a unsavory public Tennis Center loan dealing, things didn’t look that good. The way taxpayer funds are used nowadays is killing me.

Thankfully, I never had that scary dream again, but I could not help but wonder what is the moral of the story from my dream? Then it all came to me.

The moral of the story is this — WARNING: Go tell all your anti-Plunkett/traffic light city officials to stonewall them, table the item, or whatever. Put the ka-bosh on the wrongdoer developer-cats before they can throw in the kitchen sink. The kitchen sink will undoubtedly do the deal every time, for then it will be too late.

Take heed, this is a gut check. Step up, folks; stop Plunkett, McMurrain/Pathway battering ram.

Go see the movie “Avatar” during the holidays; it’s sure to be a winner with it’s fantastic special effects.

James Melvin Ewing

Peachtree City, Ga.

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