Grace Caldwell’s Tyrone Sign Ordinance

This is a political satire

Vote to re-elect me Grace Caldwell for Tyrone Council. My support in passing a new sign ordinance is another accomplishment I forgot to mention. The purpose of this outstanding piece of legislation as stated in Sect 6-6-2 is to attract sources of economic development and growth as a means of communication in the town. For all you people that don’t understand legal talk; that means how Tyrone helps bring in new businesses. We help businesses by prohibiting the following signs.

1. Any sign that use movement or color to depict action.
2. Any sign over a door, entrance or window.
3. Any sign that is directed by beam of light.
4. Any sign on a bench or seat meant to be seen by the public.
5. Billboard sign.
6. Changeable copy signs.
7. Flashing signs
8. Signs that are illuminated inside a business.
9. Sign that move.
10. Any sign that depicts a scene or event of natural, social, cultural or historic significance.
11. Any pennant or streamer.
12. All portable signs.
13. Balloons used as signs.
14. Sandwich sign boards.
15. Signs on vehicles.
16. Roof signs.
17. Any sign that extends more than 6 inches from a building.

I’m proud of this sign law because it virtually guarantees that no business will be allowed to attract customers by the use of signs. If re-elected I will continue to be anti-business and unconcerned about constitutional property rights and freedom of speech.

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