By MICHAEL BOYLAN
Weekend Editor and Seer

On top of the many hats I wear at The Fayette Citizen, I, like the late Nostradamus, am also a prophet.

I predicted the dwarf shortage in England last year as well as the success of the hit game show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” Now, it is time for me to lay down some sweet predictions for you, faithful reader, as we head into a new century and the beginning of a new millennium.

First, I will address the political scene. Year 2000 will be the last part of President Clinton's term. The man who will be elected president in November has not announced his candidacy yet: Drew Carey. His appeal is enormous. Men see many similarities between the Drew Carey on TV and themselves. He just wants to drink beer, hang out and be nice.

Carey is very nonthreatening. If the American public is sure that the next president isn't running off cheating on his wife, we'll all be able to sleep better at night. The biggest surprise will be his running mate: Admiral Stockdale.

It seemed the largest domestic issue in 1999 was guns. In 2000, the most pressing issue on the home front will be fence height. It can be very distracting for an entire neighborhood to have fences and gates of varying height. The property values plummet and it just looks tacky. It's time to get off the fence and think about what height you will keep it at.

The biggest foreign issue in 2000 will not be China or Russia, but Norway. The Norwegians have kept such a low profile, for seemingly ever, that no one can quite place what is going on over there or the last time that anyone has heard from a Norwegian. In 2000, their amazing story of a journey to the center of the Earth will launch a worldwide campaign to establish villages under the earth. This will start many clan wars and the mole people will become the United States' best allies.

The death that will shock the world in 2000 will be the second death of Abraham Lincoln. The former president will be cloned early in the year and everything will be great until November. Lincoln will be at a production of “Angels in America” with his new girlfriend, Calista Flockhart, and all of the Washington elite, when he catches a cold and his cloned immune system fails rapidly. President-elect Carey will call for a special Lincoln Beef Log national day of mourning.

The major scientific discovery in the year 2000 will be that butter is the fifth food group. Every bad thing you have ever heard about butter was propaganda. A healthy, well-balanced diet must include butter if you want to live a long and prosperous life. It is unclear, but this prediction may be cancelled out in a year or two by the discovery that butter is a sentient being that spreads its own propaganda.

Reunions always tend to get the attention of the public and it will be no different in the year 2000. The event that will excite everybody on the planet will be the reunion of “Amos and Andy.” All close to 100 years old, the original cast of the famous radio show regroups for a 22-episode stint of hilarious fun. “Amos and Andy” becomes so huge that the Wayans Brothers sign on for a three-picture deal and a new show on UPN based on the hilarious radio program.

The weirdest wedding in the year 2000 will be the marriage of Luciano Pavarotti and Chef Paul Prudhomme. “This is not about physical, marital love, but love of good food and good friends,” Pavarotti will state at the $3 million wedding. The Pavarotti-Prudhomme wedding almost came in second to the wedding between Pat Buchanan and the state of Montana. More people attended the wedding between the opera star and the chef, though, and popularity is really all that matters.

Locally, the biggest thing to happen in Fayette County will be the creation of several shopping subdivisions. Already being built in several areas, the subdivisions, streets and parks will all be named for the giant department stores that tower over the surrounding neighborhood. I, for instance, am moving into Wal-Martville. My house is on Old Lady Greeter lane, right near Roll Back Park.

The year 2000 promises to be one of the most exciting years that we have encountered in our lives. Though it won't necessarily look like “The Jetsons,” we have entered the future, as we will continue to do so tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.

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