A reader wrote and asked me what was a child's ideal age for a parent to talk to her about sex.

I told him that I believed that almost every age is ideal. The thing that changes is the level of detail. Many parents perceive the discussion of the facts of life as a single conversation. On the contrary, I think it should be an ongoing dialog. A parent should look for appropriate opportunities to have short discussions on the topic throughout childhood.

Christmas may seem like an unusual time for an article on the facts of life, but it really isn't. I was driving my 11-year-old daughter home from church a couple of weeks ago and we began talking about the “miracle of the virgin birth” that we had heard about in a Christmas program. I asked her if she understood what a virgin was and why the birth of Christ was called a miracle. That question was an open door for a conversation about the facts of life.

Sex education may begin with discussion of body parts in early years. When children are very young and first learning to label body parts, I don't think it really matters whether you teach them appropriate anatomical terms for sexual organs, but I have chosen to use nontechnical terms. The sole reason is I don't want my children using an embarrassing term in a public place. However, if you are willing to risk a little embarrassment, I don't think it really matters.

As children get a little older, they are ready for more information. When my wife was pregnant with our son, my middle daughter was only 3. Discussions about the pregnancy with her at that age were very limited, but she knew the baby was in her mommy's tummy.

My 8-year-old daughter, however, was old enough to know more details. We looked at a computer program that shows three-dimensional images of the body, the skeleton, and organs. Among the many things we talked about was the uterus. I was able to show my older daughter where the baby was and how she, as a female, was different from me as a male.

I have taken many opportunities to talk with each of my children about sexual issues as was appropriate for their ages. For example, when my sixth grader asked me what AIDS was, that gave me an opportunity to talk about sexually transmitted diseases. My wife has also talked with both of my daughters several times about a woman's cycle and what it means.

After many conversations like this, the detailed discussion of the actual act of intercourse that my daughter and I had that night on the way home from church was just one more in a very long line of discussions.

This process makes the conversations less threatening to both parent and child. It also reduces the likelihood of confusion. If a child doesn't understand in the single conversation, she may be too embarrassed to ask questions. If the dialog continues over several years, she will be more likely to ask questions, she will be less threatened, and she will hopefully develop responsible habits.

An unfortunate truth is that there are many children in our culture these days that are sexually active in their grade school years. However, even if you think your children know the facts of life, they may not. One of the reasons for pregnancy in the teenage years is misinformation about sex.

I have worked with children who thought they could get pregnant if they kissed. Others believed they could not get pregnant if they held their breath during intercourse. These are just two examples of misinformation that open communication and repeated discussions between loving parents and their children can correct.

I look for appropriate opportunities for short conversations about many important topics. Sex is just one of them. Of course, one must consider a child's developmental age when deciding how much information to provide, but the conversation can occur regardless of age.

This most recent conversation about sex may not be my last with my oldest child. I'll wait and see what other opportunities arise where such a conversation may be appropriate. However, maybe next time the catalyst for such a conversation will not seem so unusual as a Christmas play!

Back to Real Estate Home Page | Back to the top of the page