By Judy Kilgore
Religion Editor

Ahhh the holidays! The most festive time of year for most of us...Christmas trees, presents, family get-togethers, special church services...and the music! Lots and lots of music...cantatas...musicals...children's programs....caroling. Gives you goose bumps just thinking about it all, doesn't it?

But for many, celebrating Christmas is painful. For those who have lost loved ones—whether in the immediate past or many years ago—Christmas is a reminder that they are no longer with us. When families gather, there is an empty place at the table...an empty place in our hearts.

I am one of those people...just as many of you are. Most of you are aware that I lost my husband of only 10 years in 1972. We were college sweethearts...headed out into life's adventures with all the energy and passion our youthful minds could muster. We embarked on his military career, one we were certain would take us years into the future and, eventually, into retirement and growing old together. But in a split second on a cold, gray April day, that was all cut short.

I was visiting with a friend. Our children were playing in the back yard. My husband had been overseas for five months. I saw the military sedan pull up in front of the house, but, since my friend was military too, I really didn't give it much thought. Then, a young lieutenant walked up to me, asked if I was Mrs. Kilgore, clicked his heels together and said those fateful words..."Ma'am, it is my duty to inform you..." I went from military wife to widowed civilian in the blink of an eye. Death had left an imprint on me that would never go away.

The most difficult thing about military wives who are widowed while their husbands are overseas is that while grief hits you with an overwhelming blow, reality is slow in coming. Your loved one has been absent for months. You are accustomed to not seeing him as you go about your everyday tasks. You go through the motions of having a funeral, you cry, hurt and grieve, but when you return home, things are just as they were. He is still not there.

My reality hit on the day he was supposed to have returned home—Dec. 2. I confess, even thought it was months later, I sat on the steps in the hall and waited for him to come through the door, still certain this was all a bad dream. When he didn't, the grief started all over again. And I headed into my first Christmas without him.

Anyone who has lost a loved one can tell you the "firsts" are the worst—the first Christmas, Easter, anniversary, birthday—any holiday when families gather. But, fortunately for me, he left me with a precious and precocious seven-year-old who kept me going. Davida and I struggled through that first Christmas together, and many more after that. With God watching over us, we made it...and so will you.

Dr. David Chancey, pastor of McDonough Road Baptist Church, shared his feelings of grief at losing his father in 1993 and going through his first Christmas without him. Dr. Chancey also included some advice about handling Christmas grief, suggestions taken from an article written by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt of the University of Colorado medical school. Space limitations do not permit my including the entire article, but I would like to paraphrase a few of those suggestions:

1. Love does not end with death. Realize that holiday grief is unlike everyday grief. Sights, sounds and smells of the holidays trigger memories of your lost loved one.

2. Talk about your grief. Ignoring it won't make it go away. Find caring friends who will listen without judging you.

3. Eliminate unnecessary stress. Don't take on more than you can do and don't set expectations too high.

4. Embrace your treasuries of memories. Instead of ignoring your memories, share them with family and friends. Memories were made with love. No one can take them away from you.

And Dr. Chancey's own suggestion...

5. Make spiritual preparation, even if you don't feel like being spiritual. Focusing on the birth of Jesus can give encouragement in the face of grief. Let God minister to you and keep a faith perspective.

Dr. Chancey closes with a particularly touching story...

"Hugh Litchfield tells about a family whose preschooler had died that year. The family was having a difficult time with Christmas. The time came to decorate the tree, and that was just too much for the mother, and she broke down.

The oldest son, six-year-old Jim, said, "You're missing Dougie, aren't you?"

"Yes, I'm missing him," the mother replied.

The little boy said, "I miss Dougie too, but isn't Christmas the celebration of Jesus' birthday?"

"Yes, it is."

"And isn't Dougie with Jesus?"

"Yes, he is."

Then little Jimmy replied, "Then I guess he's having more fun than we are right now, don't you think?"

Enjoy your holidays...and don't be afraid of memories. Until next week, keep the faith.

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