By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

Here are my annual rewrites of popular Christmas tunes, bringing them up-to-date.

“Regis the Game Show Host” to the tune of “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer”:

Regis the game show ho-ho-host

Had an awful lot of cash

And if you ever saw him

You would like a piece of his stash.

All of the game contestants

Laugh and like to call his name.

Please, Mr. Regis Philbin,

Please let me into your game.

Then one foggy Tuesday night,

Regis came to say-hay...

Contestant Deb is a ballet dancer,

And, oh, Debbie is that your final answer?

Then how the sponsors loved it,

All the money that the ratings earn

'cause all the game contestants

Get nervous and they crash and burn,

Get nervous and they crash and burn.

“Jesse around the Christmas Tree” to the Tune of “Rock Around the Christmas Tree”:

Jesse around the Christmas tree

The Minnesota governor's wearing Tattoo's big black boots,

He's Santa's little wrestle-er.

Jesse around the Christmas tree,

He says you gotta stand up for yourself

But when he's hungry

He turns mean,

He ate five of Santa's elves

He will take a candy cane and ram it in your ear...

His voice is saying

Let's have some fun,

But you need to call 9 - 1 - 1!

Jesse around the Christmas tree,

Have a happy holiday.

Don't look now

But he just threw Santa

Out of his sleigh,

Threw Santa out of his sleigh.

“Felicity” to the Tune of “Silver Bells”:

See the blond hair,

See the blank stare,

See the melancholy.

Oh it can't be that bad,

To be in college;

You're always depressed

And a big mess

But you sure dress with style

But why did you cut off your hair?

Felicity... Have you ever smiled?

Felicity....are you in denial?

Please take some Prozac for Christmas, Felicity...

Oh why so glum, Felicity?

Try some lithium,

Please try to smile Christmas Day.”

“Pokemon” to the tune of “Jingle Bells”:

Dashing through the crowds

With a plastic Mastercard

Off the shelf we take

The boxes fast and hard.

Fighting for our chance

To make our children glow

What pain it is

To fight for toys

Made in Mexico, Ooh...

Pokemon, Pokemon,

Make my little yellow friend.

Oh, what fun it is

To shop until

The bitter end.

Pokemon, Pokemon,

Exactly what are you?

If it wasn't for

My little boy,

I'd kill you with my shoe!

[Visit Billy Murphy's homepage at http://billymurphy.homepage.com.]

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