My daddy always said it was just as easy to laugh as to cry, and that the laughter was good for me. Hope he was right because I've been breaking out into almost uncontrollable, though blessedly brief, bursts of laughter over the past few days.

I think I really want to cry, but I'm laughing. The mass of contradictions that consume us are endless, aren't they?

Please don't tell me you don't harbor contradiction within yourself. I probably would not believe you, and, if I did believe you, then I don't think I'd like you.

You are probably wondering what on earth I'm talking about. It's those last two columns I wrote, the ones about simplicity.

My heart and soul and all my being is crying out for more of it. More quiet. More calm. More of the simple life.

Yet my actions are in total opposition to this cry from within.

Been there? Ah, I feel better. At least I'm not alone.

Or should I feel worse? I need someone to tell me there is hope, that a quieter time is just around the bend.

I woke up around 3 this morning. Normally, if I awake in the night for whatever reason I just snuggle deep and go back to sleep.

Instead of snuggling deeper under the covers in the chill of the night (I like to sleep with the thermostat down, so snuggling can be enjoyed - that's one reason I enjoy the wintertime), I got out of bed and walked all around the house. I looked out the windows at the stars and the half moon and the peace that prevailed all around me.

All was quiet. All was calm. All was bright.

I think I was hoping to catch a glimpse of a meteor shower. I'm glad I didn't. Instead, I observed an orderly universe quietly going about its business.

And what business is that?

To provide the backdrop for all us humans to try to make our way in the world, of course.

Don't you wonder what God thinks about us? Don't you wonder if he's proud that we hang in there? Or if he thinks we are foolish for doing so? If he really sends us suggestions constantly through the Holy Spirit. Or if he sits back and watches His creation climb and fall and climb again, struggle and lose, then struggle and win again...

How much of our way here is of our own making? How much is already mapped out before we ever exit our mother's womb?

There was a time when I accepted so much without question. Whoa! Wrong. I've probably never accepted anything without question. The biggest doubting Thomas you can find would come off as angelic next to me. But, there are times when I seem able to accept things, ideas, truth maybe... easier than at other times.

You know, that may be the biggie here. Truth. It's so elusive.

When Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth and the life,” he said a mouthful, didn't he? Truth may be elusive, only because we are forever looking for it in all the wrong places.

As a journalist I have the opportunity to meet many people and talk to them in depth. Folks from all walks of life. Men and women with all kinds of belief systems in place. Good people. Bad people.

And, you know what? I have to respect who they are, where they are, what they are. I cannot judge them. I must not judge them.

But, over and over, my own belief systems (my faith, that is) is put to the test. You would think the questioning would stop one day. Not so. I can be so sure. So certain. So absolutely positive that nothing could ever cause me to question God again, and then suddenly I am on that dizzying merry-go-round of doubt once more.

Luckily, or blessedly, I don't stay on for long periods of time anymore. It used to be months, weeks and days. Now, my times of questioning and doubting only last for minutes. It's just that those periods come more often than I want them to. They interfere with my quest for simplicity and continuous (unrealistic) quiet calm.

Those of you who are still reading at this point may have recalled by now those words in the first chapter of the New Testament book of James: “Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials and know that the testing of your faith produces endurance.”

Bottom line? We are getting tougher every day, aren't we? Hope I can keep laughing through it all.

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