Wednesday, November 17, 1999
Wednesday, November 17, 1999 |
| What
if...? By BILLY MURPHY What if I wrote an article asking the question, “What If?” concerning a variety of topics? What if the theory of evolution was true? Would I have to, on Fathers' Day, send a card to Willie B the ape at Zoo Atlanta? What if everybody realized at the exact, same time that hamsters and squirrels are really just big rats? What if all the smoking teens in the world exhaled at the same moment? Would the globe be hidden for days, weeks, or months? What if all our local TV newsmen and women pooled their combined intelligence into solving one important dilemma? Would they figure out how to keep Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee together? Or maybe more importantly, discover how to get sand out of your bathing suit? What if TV commercials became any louder? What if Mariah Carey became any louder? What if David Arquette the “AT&T Collect Call Guy,” became any louder? Would free ear plugs be the most important agenda issue among those running for president? What if we realized success is overrated? What if we realized that money can't buy happiness? What if we realized that the most profound words ever uttered were, “Would you like fries with that?” What if you combined The Clapper and The Club? Would you have The Clubber? The first remote that when applied correctly on the head, puts its owner's lights out. What if everything negative that everyone ever said to me, yet I didn't pay attention to, WAS true? What if everything negative everyone ever said to you, wasn't? What if the greatest thing you will ever hear in your life is, “I love you, Mommy”? What if your eyes WOULD stay crossed? What if your face WOULD stick that way? What if there was a woman left on the face of the earth who hasn't made a joke about men and directions? What if Don King had just a really, really bad toupee? What if David Hasselhoff retired from “Baywatch”? What? Oh, my goodness, he is? How will the show survive? What if the Dixie Chicks and Shania Twain showed more flesh? Could they possibly? Would they produce enough mojo to turn the Backstreet Boys straight? What if the celebrities on “The New Hollywood Squares” actually said something funny? Would it cause a rip in the time-space continuum to the point that someone might finally lean over and slap Regis Philbin on that “Millionaire” show? What if Mr. Rodgers slapped that stupid Pokemon senseless? What if, as Tori Amos says, “She really was a mermaid in those jeans?” What if you always do hurt the one you love? What if there isn't peace for the weary? What if there was a boy who came home for Christmas, smelling the tree, crowded together with all his family, yet he still felt all alone. What if sleep was Cupid's only enemy? What if time was a knife? What if, when the day was done and the words were said and the curtain had fallen, you just...like me...weren't finished? [Contact Billy Murphy via e-mail at Billy@gretsch.com or visit him on the Internet at http://billymurphy.homepage.com.]
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