Wednesday, October 27, 1999
The End is near! Buy now!

By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

With about 60 days left in this century—before impending Armageddon — it is good to know you can get a good deal on an Office Max desk stapler. If you haven't noticed, everybody is offering some end of the millennium promotion — “Last Great Sale before 2000!” “Buy Now, Don't Pay 'til the Next Century.” “Beat the Rush for Batteries and Bread Millennium Extravaganza” — another great marketing idea brought to fruition.

I love the way everyone has made Jan. 1, 2000, out to be this amazing, incredible, stupendous event (worthy of the oh-so-rare Rich's Mall Sale). Sure, it is an amazing milestone for those who will be there to witness it, but along with everyone's “first time,” I am here to warn you, there will be an amazing rush of air when everyone on earth collectively says, “Is that all there is?”

In contrast, there seem to be some indicators that hard times could be ahead. Our banks are warning us to keep our canceled check stubs (sorta late, isn't it?) and the electric company is alerting us to the chance they might have screw-ups (what's new?) but my real fear is the imminent shortage of beef jerky and Slim Jims. You almost get the feeling that all the disasters pummeling the East Coast the past few months are nature's version of a big Hallmark invitation to the authoritative end of the century.

Floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, Al Gore's campaign: all seem to be indicate that the year 2000 might just be the great disaster all the doomsday-sayers are predicting. Here are some other strange signposts that might point to some sort of supernatural event as the ball drops in Times Square: The NBA finishes the complete preseason with no players arrested. Barnie the Dinosaur backhands one of the Backyard Gang. Detectives in the JonBenet Ramsey case get their high school equivalency. Richard Simmons gets married to Brooke Shields.

But still, really. Nothing is going to happen. A bunch of people are gonna get extra drunk, a bunch of people are gonna spend a lot of extra money on partying and a bunch of people are going to cross the threshold of time thinking, “Whatever happened to Kirk Cameron?” But still, we should be able to get some killer deals on J.C. Penney linens.

The year 1999 is the real loser in all this Y2K hype. Sorta like the runner-up in a Super Bowl, the year Prince sang about is really just a big-fat second banana, 365 days of bridesmaid duties with no honeymoon at the end. Because everyone has been looking ahead, most of the important events of 1999 were DOA. It's a shame, too, because we had so much to make fun of: Monica Lewinsky, Britney Spears, “Eyes Wide Shut,” Ricky Martin, the Olympic Committee, Governor Jesse Ventura, AOL, “Wild Wild West,” O.J.'s O.D.'d girlfriend, and the population reaching 6 billion.

At least we are ending our century in a way that represents our culture the best, with one big shopping spree. Forget Armageddon, forget the Grim Reaper, just give me those neat Macy's napkin holders at 15 percent off! My real security that all will end well came printed right on my new bank card — my shiny, platinum Visa arrived with the expiration date of 09/03 stamped right on the front. If the Bank of America has seen fit for us to last at least until 2003, I trust in them more than any other. And if I'm lucky, there'll be just a few sales where I can use that card, too.

[Contact Billy Murphy via e-mail: Billy@gretsch.com, or on the Internet at http://billymurphy.homepage.com.]


What do you think of this story?
Click here to send a message to the editor. Click here to post an opinion on our Message Board, "The Citizen Forum"

Back to Opinion Home Page | Back to the top of the page