By BILLY MURPHY
Contributing Writer

Everywhere you look today, you see another report on what is bad for us. From infrared lights that show us the invisible stains in our hotel rooms, to airplane oxygen that pollutes our lungs, the world, they say, is killing us.

If you put enough experts together, the sum total of their experience would say that everything on earth is bad for us. The best (or worst) example: food.

If we read enough reports, we can logically determine that we should never eat one more scrap of victuals in our lives. It's oil, it's sugar, it's meat, it's carbohydrates, all killers! So today, while pressing chocolate chips into day-old Krispy Kreme doughnuts to be microwaved, I was thinking about these experts, these nutritional Nazis that are putting an end to the enjoyment of anything that is worthy of stimulating a taste bud.

As fast as a pat of butter can melt on your french fries, these health police can deliver the worst news. First, it was cholesterol. This demon chemical they say, clogs arteries tighter than Spandex on a sumo wrestler.

Then they came back and said that there are two kinds of cholesterols. The street names they came up with must've been created by a an elite governmental department: good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. The good cholesterol they say, is good for you. The bad cholesterol they say, is bad for you. Hmm... how... scientific.

The primary duty of these food federales simply is about ruining all our fun. Any of the foods that we typically like, such as candy, cookies, snacks, soft drinks, fast food etc... (anything with actual flavor) are banned by these experts. They seem to be the same boring people that developed the pocket protector and those little arm covers on your recliner rocker.

The game of deciding what foods are good and bad is always changing, too. Popcorn was good for you. Now popcorn is bad for you. Butter was bad for you. Now, butter is good for you. Dairy Queen Blizzards were bad for you. Now, Dairy Queen Blizzards are still bad for you. No sooner than we think we can finally safely eat something, it is suddenly ruled poison. About the only thing that the nosh brigade can agree on is that Alex Trebek does, definitely, cause indigestion.

The horizon is unclear concerning which direction we should take concerning our personal eating habits. I keep hoping that at any minute, I'll hear the news that my daily breakfast of four eggs, 12 strips of bacon and caramel/butterscotch pancakes will actually enhance my health and fitness. Maybe not, but I'll wait.

I feel sorry for those people who change their eating habits every time a new report is released. Their systems must be about as confused as a Ricky Martin fan in a library.

I am taking the path of moderation. At the movies, I am replacing my Goobers with Cracker Jacks. (I recently realized how they make Goobers — they take peanuts to the back/top of the theater and roll them down the floor, under the seats. When they reach the bottom, they are Goobers.)

I am trying to cut out soft drinks. I am trying to lay off the Cheez Whiz crepes. When it is all said and done though, it probably won't be our eating habits that kill us. It will be our lack of exercise. That is why, right now, I am getting out of my chair and walking to McDonald's.

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