By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

If I ever have a really witty idea for a column, it usually comes from something my wife pointed out to me, though I never will allow myself to properly recall it or give her proper credit.

This column is no exception as she pointed out how many different clubs and organizations meet in Fayette County. So, herein are a few mentions.

Though we are 1,500 miles away from Roswell, N. M., we still have our very own UFO club called MUFON, the Mutual UFO Network. With a local membership of about 60, the group seeks to report and share information on unidentified flying objects.

Hmmm. Adept at conspiracies, maybe this is the group to look in on the Fayette County Board of Education's seemingly “alien” decisions of late? Maybe the board members have all been replaced by body snatchers from another planet? It couldn't have been Mars, though, because I heard there is no dress code there.

The American Business Women's Association, ABWA, has a group that meets in Fayette County. I doubt there are a lot of members from the Peachtree City area unless shopping for clothes could be considered “Apparel Investing” or having your nails done weekly could be considered an “Appendage Enhancement Enterprise.”

I really can't make much fun since I work in a home office and mostly make calls in my bare feet. I used to think I was a big supporter of this group, until someone pointed out to me that ABWA was not the Swedish rock band from the '70s.

There is a Fayette Society of Fine Art that meets each month here. I can imagine they must mostly take road trips to see anything of real culture. Or, I guess they could make field ventures to the Days and Holiday inns to compare hotel room paintings. “Let's see, which do you like better — the `Trees in fall losing their leaves over a stream' or the `Flowers in spring swept across a bubbling brook'?”

There is a TOPS club here: Taking Off Pounds Sensibly, meeting Fridays at the All-You-Can-Eat Seafood bar at Shoney's. Okay, that is a mean joke, but okay, I'm jealous. I should really join this group. I have spent too many days in my life forgoing TOPS for IHOPs.

I like the idea that they say taking the pounds of sensibly. How about a breakout group, Putting On Pounds Sensibly; POPS for dads out there like me who have put on all their weight after having kids. We could come up with “sensible” reasons to why we are gaining weight: 1. We make soft cushions for our kids to sleep on. 2. We are hoping to be featured in one of those advertisements where the husky guy without a shirt is holding his naked child to his chest. 3. Building up reserves for Y2K!

Just like the Boy Scouts of America have been forced to take women as their leaders, I am thinking about demanding that I get to lead the MOMS Club of Fayetteville, another cool club. I would bring in forums on “Why your kid should be potty trained before he has a potty mouth,” “Teletubby detox,” and “Double-dosing the cough syrup, baby's sleepy-time pal.” Okay, DEFACS, I am home from the hours of 6-11 p.m. nightly.

Last, but not least, in the “insert your own joke here” category, there is a NARFE group that meets. They are the National Association of Retired Federal Employees. As best I hear, they just get together, someone makes his way to the podium and begins, “Let me see, my 30 years `working' (hands up making quote marks) for the government...” Then the whole audience breaks into laughter, lasting usually until the middle of the night.

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