By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

Is there anything out there that they aren't trying to package and sell on the Internet? How about these world events:

The battle of the century is heating up and it's not Holyfield against responsible parenting, either. It's Clinton and Al Gore. Ever since Gore came out three weeks ago and said Clinton's actions with Monica were “inexcusable,” the infighting has been building. It quite resembles a bad episode of “Gilligan's Island,” too. The only thing missing is Skipper Bill taking off his cap and hitting the skinny doofus over the head with it.

I'm sure President Clinton is feeling a little left out of the party right now anyway. Hillary is going off to New York to politick, his vice president is trashing him in the press and McDonald's just discontinued the “Two Double Cheeseburgers for $2” program.

Bill Clinton is facing the worst fear of any man who is ambitious enough to make it to the White House: he is being ignored. You can see it in his face: he was enjoying the negative strokes of Kenneth Starr more than he's enjoying the non-strokes of the current climate. And like most men he is taking it out on his pseudo-spouse Al Gore.

Word has it, he has taken up one-on-one with Bill Bradley just to make Al paranoid. Word has it Clinton has scored that last major hit by calling Gore's dry cleaning and telling them to leave the quadruple starch out of Al's boxer shorts.

Do your kids have a lawyer yet? Might think about securing “Delinquents R Us.” Not to mention the way schools are cracking down on kids even if they mention the word “gun,” Louisiana has put law into effect forcing kids to address teachers as “Ma'am” or “Sir.” (For female P.E. coaches and male drama teacher either title will do fine).

Utah has barred teens from driving between midnight and 5 a.m. Tennessee and Indiana have made it illegal to get pierced without parent approval and South Dakota is fining kids for smoking. Also by January of next year the V Chip (preventing kids from viewing violence) must be in every television sold with a screen 13 inches or larger. (Violence that is viewed really tiny must cause no harm?)

Wow, they are really cracking down on kids. The next motto of “Planned Parenthood” will be, “When having kids becomes criminal, only criminals will have kids.” I have heard tell already of a 16-year-old who was sentenced to life in prison for driving late-night cross-country to pick up a pack of cigarettes at a piercing parlor. Evidently she could have gotten probation until they discovered she didn't address the arresting officer as “Mister” Pig.

Last but not least is the story of the 13-year-old kid who got everyone going with his fable of how he traveled alone with just a few bucks from Honduras to New York City in search of his lost father. Everyone in the city was swooping down on him to give assistance (trampling on thousands of homeless Americans, I'm sure) because of his epic journey.

Turns out, he was a fake. He was actually just trying to raise the cash to make it to a “Back Street Boys” concert. The mayor and police force, reacting rather harshly, instead forced him to attend a double bill featuring Celine Dion and John Tesh. Horrors. The punishment should have fit the crime.

In turn he was awarded $6 million in a lawsuit brought against McDonald's because they ran out of Tarzan Happy Meal toys and he got stuck with a slide whistle. He is living the American dream.

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