The Fayette Citizen-Opinion Page
Friday, July 9, 1999
The power of listening, without anger, resonates to future generations

By DAVID EPPS
Guest Columnist

Steve Duncan has been a good friend for over 43 years, since we first began playing together in the neighborhood at age 5. We were best friends, coconspirators in various childhood endeavors, and seldom separate during those early years. Steve was the best man at my wedding and we have maintained contact through the years.

Today, Steve and his wife, Melissa, are in charge of the nine to 11 children and teens who reside at the Cherry Brook Children's Home in Knoxville, Tenn. Most of the children who come under their Christian care are placed in the home by the state. Some will eventually be able to return to their natural homes. A good many will not.

They will spend their childhood and teen years either at Cherry Brook or in foster care. Some few will be eligible for adoption and will begin new lives with new families. Many of these children come with emotional baggage and with destructive coping techniques learned over their young, hard years. Some will be sullen, others will face depression, and others will experience anger, bitterness and rage.

It takes a special couple to be able to minister to, care for, and truly love every child who comes through the doors. Steve and Melissa are such a couple. Steve has developed a technique for dealing with the outbursts and aggressive displays that occur from time to time at Cherry Brook.

Steve was beaming with pride when he said, “I call this technique `Eppyology.'”

Confused, I said, “Eppyology? What the heck is that?”

Steve said, “I learned it from watching your dad over the years. I remembered how he used to deal with you, and I thought I'd try it with these children. It works!”

I should explain that my father, William E. (Bill) Epps, Jr., was a man who prided himself on his ability to understand and deal with people.

The oldest son of nine children, he dropped out of high school to do his part in World War II and, following the war, earned his GED. Of all the regrets he had, not going to college was probably one of his greatest. To compensate, he read just about anything he could get his hands on and could speak with nearly anyone on a variety of subjects.

When he was in his thirties, he put himself through night school to become an electrician and, a few years from retirement, went back to school to become a specialist in electronics. Over the years, before he became an electrician, he was a grocery store owner, a firearms dealer, an insurance agent, the owner of an antique store, a taxidermist, a gunsmith, and a shoe store manager.

He could lay block and brick, paint, install ceilings, lay carpet, put up wallpaper, do carpentry, install sewer lines and septic tanks, and, in my mind, do just about anything. I even have in my home a working flintlock rifle that he made from scratch.

In retirement, he became a painter and his works adorn the homes of everyone in his family. Perhaps because he was competent in so many areas, he was a man of strong opinions. Unfortunately, I often challenged those opinions loudly and frequently, especially as I grew older.

When I became angry and obnoxious, Dad would practice what Steve came to call “Eppyology.”

“I remember that we would often be in your dad's car and you would start arguing with him, getting louder and louder,” Steve said. “Your dad would steer the car with his left hand with the right arm being draped across the back of his seat. The louder you got, the quieter he would become. Finally, when you had spent yourself, your dad would just sit in silence for what seemed an eternity. Then, quietly, calmly, he would respond with a one-liner that would put all the arguments to rest and restore peace.

“I learned from him to (1) always listen carefully, (2) don't interrupt and let the other person finish, (3) and don't get angry just because others are,” Steve continued. “I also learned the incredible power of silence and of a calm response. I began to use your dad's technique with our most angry and rage-filled children. It works. Since I learned it from him, I termed it `Eppyology.'”

Dad would be flattered. He always thought the world of Steve and I really think that he hoped that Steve would be a good influence on his loudmouthed, rebellious, oldest son. But I also think that he would be amazed. I think that he would be amazed that I did, indeed, learn tremendously from him and did come to respect him more than any man I've ever known. I hope he knew that before he died.

I think he would be even more amazed that he was a positive influence on the kid who lived four houses down on the dirt and gravel street on top of the hill in eastern Tennessee.

But I think that he would be humbled to hear that his influence continues decades later and affects scores of children and teenagers who are being helped to lead full and productive lives because someone cares enough to listen to the pain, the hurt, the anger and the rage in their tender hearts.

If he knew that, when Steve allowed these young ones, abused, abandoned, and neglected by those who should have been their protectors, to vent themselves and then be gathered into his arms — I think if he knew that Steve was thinking of him in those moments, he would be moved to tears. I know I was.

Dad always hoped that he had done something with his life that would make the world a better place. He strove to set a good example and to raise his two boys to be good men and good citizens.

He told me once, in his last couple of years, that he wished that he had done more good for more people. He was always careful to watch his language, his temper and his actions. He wanted to be a good influence, believing that influence was power.

I think that he would be very surprised to see just how much power he had — and still has — in a place called Cherry Brook.

[Father David Epps is rector of Christ the King Charismatic Episcopal Church in the south metro area of Atlanta. He may be contacted online at CTKCEC@aol.com or at P. O. Box 2192, Peachtree City, GA 30269.


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