By DR. GREGORY K. MOFFAT, Ph.D.
Child's Play

“That is the most spoiled child I've ever seen.” I've heard words like this since I was a child myself. I don't doubt that people are seeing inappropriate behaviors in these children, but I do question their interpretation of the behaviors they see. I do not believe it is possible to spoil a child in the way most people think about it.

At this point I'm sure that some of you are ready to quit reading, but before you give up on this article let me explain what I mean. Traditional wisdom says that we should not give our children too much of anything - too much candy, too many toys, too much coddling, too much affection - or we might spoil them. Frankly, I disagree with most of these statements. I think part of our cultural problems these days is that we don't give each other enough affection and attention and I don't think there is a direct relationship between toys or affection and being “spoiled.”

Where we may find a common ground is in the interpretation of misbehavior. Children who are given a lot of anything (in the absence of discipline) often expect their immediate needs to be met right away. When their wants are not met immediately or when they don't get their way, they throw tantrums. We call this being “spoiled.” I choose to use the term “undisciplined.” A child who is disciplined will learn to put his or her needs aside on occasion, regardless of how many toys he or she has.

Parents sometimes fail to realize that both things are possible. You can give a child frequent attention, but also teach the child discipline. A child can have a room full of toys and still learn discipline. If this were not so, all rich children would be spoiled and all underprivileged children would not be spoiled. The fact is, children from very affluent homes, when they are disciplined appropriately, can exhibit exemplary behavior. Likewise, children from homes where financial struggle is the norm, can exhibit “spoiled” behavior when they are undisciplined.

How can we both teach discipline and give our children the things they want and need? I suggest that we teach restraint, patience, and self-control by NOT buying every toy, article of clothing, or video game that our children ask for. This may seem to contradict what I said in the above paragraphs, but if you read carefully, I did not say that buying everything a child wants is a good thing. I've known children to grow up in homes where they rarely got anything new because their parents didn't want to spoil them. I believe that this is false logic that needs to be balanced with buying a toy every time a child asks for it. We may have the money to buy something a child wants, but learning to wait is part of being disciplined.

Waiting also applies to attention and affection. I am willing to hold, hug, kiss, and snuggle with my children all the time. However, there are times when I can't because I am either working on something or I'm busy with another child. Having the child wait doesn't mean that I won't snuggle at all. It means that she will have to wait a few minutes. Again, setting aside immediate gratification teaches self-discipline, but I'm not spoiling them when I love my children. Keep in mind, I don't have my children wait just because I'm not interested in being with them at the moment. I keep them waiting if I think it will teach them something. For example, have you ever noticed that once you get on the phone or when you are showing attention to one child, a sibling suddenly needs your undivided attention? This is a great time to teach the child self-control and patience.

Psychologists got a bad reputation (deservedly so) in the 1970's by suggesting that we give children everything they want. This philosophy created a group of children who were selfish, obnoxious, and unwilling to look toward the needs of others. While some may call this “spoiling” I believe this describes lack of discipline. As a rule, I don't think we give our children enough attention and affection. Showing affection and buying presents in the absence of standards of conduct creates undisciplined children. Frequent affection in the presence of a disciplined home creates altruistic, polite, and well-rounded children.

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