There is one thing we all have in common. No, I am not talking about our urge to squash that Taco Bell dog with a big boot. It's that we all spend a large portion of our lives in grocery stores. If you have ever stressed at the decision of "paper or plastic," or if you have ever ridden shotgun over a hobbled, wobble-wheeled grocery cart, this article is for you.

I grew up in a time when the trip to the grocery store was paramount. It was a drive into "town." It was a designated day out of every week. It was the "Piggly Wiggly!" It wasn't the anytime, anywhere, taken for granted experience we have today. It was the last respectable place where a grown man, while at work, could get away with wearing a paper hat. If grocery stores of the past were Quaker Oatmeal, then grocery stores of today are Hostess Twinkies.

So, let's say you are making a trip these days to Publix or Kroger. Let's start in the parking lot. There are two types of people driving the parking lot: 1. People who park in any open place. 2. People who will circle the lot for hours just trying to get that one prime spot. You have probably experienced the feeling of being followed after leaving the grocery store only to turn and realize some lady is cruising behind you at 3 miles per hour wanting your space. Remember her face; she'll be the one trying to get a cart full of groceries through the "15 items or less" line.

So my survival tip? Seek revenge. Do what I do. On a good, busy Saturday I park way out on the lot. But, then I take out my keys over to a car that is parked in one of the best spaces. When I see another car sizing me up, I just act like I am getting into the car. They sit and wait. I keep jiggling the keys and then drop them, then act like I can't get one to fit. Well about now, cars are stacked 20 deep behind this person who is blocking the lot. Horns are blowing, people are yelling. Finally, I head back into the store dumbfounded and say, "Oops, I left my child in the toy department."

To survive inside the grocery store you can only go by one rule: Nothing makes any sense as to where it is laid out. They need little kids like in Hollywood, who sell the maps to the homes of the stars.

Better yet, follow my tip. Just ask the lady with the coupon wallet. She knows where everything is. It will be worth your time, too; she will offer to share her coupons with you. Never, ever ask anyone that works there for help. They will always confidently say something like, "Middle of aisle 17." Yet, have you noticed they will always send you as far away from them as possible. That way when you get there and realize what you are looking for is not even in aisle 17, they have already made their hasty escape.

Lastly, there is no good tip to make time go by while waiting in the checkout line. But in lieu of a trip to the Dali Llama in Tibet, you can experience the equivalent to eternity.

I was in line with one person in front of me. It was the clerk's first day on the job. The lady was writing a check...out of state. One item wouldn't scan. The girl scanned it over and over and over. Then she rubbed it. Then she scanned it over and over and over. Then she gave up and typed in the numbers...six times.

The lady said the price was wrong. The clerk got a kid to go and check the price. The lady said he could find it in the "middle of aisle 17." After forever he came back and said he couldn't find the item, but he ate some cool cold cuts when he went through the deli section.