I do not know if there is a place for this in your paper, under "opinions" or "letter to the editor," but these are some things that have been on my mind.

I am hoping this gets read by people who know someone who suffered a recent loss in their family. My father died of cancer on Nov. 10, 1998 at 10:40 p.m. I do not think I would remember such details if I "got over it" in the couple of months people seem to think it takes.

My intention is not to berate people who may be deemed insensitive. Many people just do not know how to react. I am doing this instead to let you know how you can help.

Speaking from personal experience, there was a lot of hustle and bustle around the time of the funeral, then things got really quiet.

My father has been dead for over four months and I think I am still in shock. As time goes on, I have found that people tend to go away. I think it scares people. My dad did not "pass away" he died. Even that word seems to frighten people.

The grieving process takes a very long time, and if you are a friend to someone who suffered a recent loss, they need you around for a while. Eight months later, they may suddenly start crying over lunch. Just be aware of that.

I understand that part of the problem is that people do not know how to help, so I am offering some suggestions of things that would help me and maybe you can use them for your friend.

Send a card it does not need to have any profound thoughts or a lengthy message. Your going to the store to pick it out and putting it in the mailbox is what counts to the recipient. That says more than you can imagine.

Don't say a word your grieving friend may call you crying and want to talk about the loss. You do not need to say much, or anything at all. If you can truly listen and sympathize, that is one of the greatest gifts you can give him or her.

Don't give up I will be frank and say that I have been depressed since my dad died and generally spend a lot of time alone. And you know what? That's normal! However, there are a few friends who have not given up on me. They'll call for me to go out; I'll say no; they'll accept that, and call again another time.

Don't tell people what will make them feel better because you don't know. But, if you want to engage them in some kind of activity, don't give up. My friends may tell you that it takes nine no's to get one yes from me!

Send a small gift again, it's not the monetary value, it's the thought behind it. I had someone drop off bath salts for me the other day. It may have cost her a couple of dollars, but it meant a million to me. Go to the grocery store and pick up a $5 bouquet of "just thinking about you" flowers.

I could go on, but I've said plenty. Just remember, the grieving process can take at least a year for the loss of an immediate family member.

I just hope some of my suggestions may be of use to those trying to comfort a friend. I also extend my sympathies to anyone who has experienced a recent loss.