Bridal Section

By Sallie Satterthwaite

Why do some marriages work and others fail? How can you predict whose

Valentine story will have a happy ending?

The fact is, human beings are so complex, their lives so different that

it's almost impossible to predict with any degree of certainty why some

unions last and some do not.

Even when race, religion, cultures, socio-economic and family backgrounds

match well, there is no guarantee. Nor is the length of courtship a sure

indicator.

When I was agonizing over our daughter's precipitous plans, a wise friend

reminded me that arranged unions, in which the couple meets for the first

time on their wedding day, often produce long and loving marriages. And

we all know of childhood sweethearts that don't make it to their first

anniversary.

What are the odds a pair like Rudy and Cela would pull off a successful

marriage? It had everything going against it.

The scenario: Airman stationed in far-off country falls for pretty native

girl. He does not speak her language; she knows a few words of his. He is

educated; she's had minimal schooling, has never been off her island.

They go to a discotheque, can't even talk to each other, but he wants to

marry her.

He does, and takes her home to the U.S.

The usual outcome? She's overwhelmed by American standards of living and

technology, gets homesick; he gets bored with her. Two, three years, end

of marriage, end of story.

Or -- she learns English, gets her GED, gains a reputation as a cook,

becomes an accomplished homemaker and hostess who can hold her own in any

conversation. And 20 years later, his pride still shows on his face when

she walks into the room.

The funny part is that he can't understand why people marvel.

Culture-shock alone would have undone a lesser woman than Cela. Woman?

She was barely out of her teens. Nothing in her experience had preparedher for what she was about to encounter.Of the drive from San Francisco to Pennsylvania, Cela remembers herconfusion in the western mountains. "I saw white stuff on trees," shesaid. "In the Philippines, that means a forest fire. What is that whitestuff? I asked Rudy. I thought it was ashes."It was snow."At breakfast time, we stopped by McDonald's. At lunch time, McDonald's.I want some rice. I was in tears. There's no rice anywhere, just meat,meat, meat."(To give you an idea how clueless Cela and her parents were aboutdistances, when they came to visit years later, they described theirtrip: They got into an airplane and sat down. After a long, long time,they got up and walked a lot and got into another airplane and, again,sat for a long time. Finally they got up and left that airplane, and there were Rudy and Cela!They had no idea that they had been moving. Rudy showed them on a globe how far they had come. But if you have noconcept of the size of the earth, what do colors on a ball mean?)I asked Cela how hard it was to become part of a culture so unlike herown."I really never felt different," she said. "I seem to assimilate quickly,not minding the changes. "I had a hard time with little things -- like going to the laundromat.[Rudy] went to work. I went [to the laundromat], put clothes in, closedit, and I said, It's not working."Then I saw someone put quarters in, so I had to go back [home] to getsome. And I forgot I'm supposed to put soap in there too. "Then the vacuum -- I kept pushing, and I said, This is hard. It wastaking two hours, and I'm still in the living room. I didn't know thebelt was broken, and besides, I'm pushing with the handle upright."Now the driving part was a little bit different," she said. "Theinstructor said most students fail first test, have 12 or 14 lessons. Ittook me four...."What about my boss and his fiancee? Their story stands in contrast toCela and Rudy's. Last summer, Cal and Joyce posted profiles of themselves on the Internetservice, Christian Connection.Using the skills of their mutual profession, however, Cal and Joycewasted no time authenticating what they saw in each other'sself-portrait.Joyce: "I signed up on a Friday and saw Cal's profile within hours of his signing on a few days later. Having a bit of a reporter'snose myself, I've determined quite a number of things about Cal on myown, which may be why in his memo he says I want to marry him, not workfor him."At the same time, Cal was looking up Joyce in the Georgia PressAssociation directory and jumped quickly to the "next level," the firstof many, many telephone calls. "We talked...and talked...and talked...and talked...for hours on thephone," Joyce said. Not surprisingly, they found they have a lot incommon -- but also some interesting differences.Foremost of which, "He's there. I'm here. His children are grown, mineare still at home. He's conservative, I'm moderate (at least)...." I think that last one is the most interesting.Check back in 20 years, and we'll see how this particular coalitionfares. Joyce sounds confident, but cautious, the scientific introductionnotwithstanding. Theirs is a "very 21st century (two-town, dual-career)" relationship, shesays, admitting, "I don't know exactly how this will work out. "But I am convinced that we were brought together by God and the restwill take care of itself."

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