The last Valentine's Day of this century is upon us and I wonder how love is different now from the year 1899. Did people then tattoo loved ones' names on their bodies? Did they do it in pencil? Were they all planning last blast parties surrounding the song, "Tonight thine will cotillion like it's 1899"?

With no cars, movie theaters, cyberspace or trailer parks, what did people do to "hook up"?

In 1899 the odds of a single woman getting married after the age of 15 were less than living through the bubonic plague. Think about that the next time you feel like complaining about love in the '90s, but I know it does take some help. Move over, Dr. Laura; just call me Dr. Love.

We live in an age of specificity, with almost everyone falling into some subculture or subgroup. So, for you lovelorn out there, here are some great, new, specific pickup lines.

If you have a crush on your pretty young podiatrist: "Does this look infected to you? Well, that's nothing like how I am infected by you."

If you would like a date with that cute Mormon missionary: "Hi, I sell Amway; wanna irritate people door to door together?"

And just when you thought you didn't know what to say when trying to impress that hunky mob hitman: "Coffee, tea or execution style?"

Geography is really important when trying to find that perfect person. So, here are some first lines to help assist in meeting that someone special in that special place.

At Six Flags: "I couldn't help but noticing you throw up on the Mindbender."

At McDonald's: "Would I like fries with that? What are my other options?"

In Alabama or Mississippi: "Pretty cool family reunion, huh?"

In Washington: "My number is in the book, Mr. President."

In any bar: "I know I could lose some weight, dress better, or take a shower, but you just have another drink instead."

In the library: "It'll make turning the pages easier if you let me lick your fingers."

I know there are a lot of people who have had it with romance. Their problem is getting through this season and getting over a love lost. Here are five tips to help mend a broken heart.

1. Remind yourself that the best years of your life, eating pot pies and ramen noodles alone, are still ahead of you.

2. Compare your life to that of any of the washed-up rock stars on VH1's "Behind the Music."

3. Solo Twister by Hasbro.

4. Remember, she's not the only heartless, manipulative, lying, cheating, chain-smoking kleptomaniac in the sea.

5. Rush into a hasty marriage with a jobless, divorced man with four hyperactive kids.

For those who have found each other, here are five down-to-earth tips to keep the romance burning bright.

1. When he comes home from work, wear nothing but the TV remote control unit on a lanyard.

2. Float rose petals in her mop bucket.

3. Six words Sizzlin, All You Can Eat Tuesdays.

4. Fly her to Vegas, get drunk and marry her all over again.

5. Shave back both of you.