A little brass and snare drum roll here

Presenting... nominees for the Annual Bozo Traffic Award.

You know Bozo, the I.Q.-challenged, judgment-impaired clown?

To put you into the road-rage party mood, I have a few nominees of my own, just to whet your appetite. After you chew on these, feel free to send in your own personal nominees. I'll print the non-libelous ones here.

The award properly should be engraved with the phrase, "What Bozo ... (you fill in the blanks)?"

What Bozo decided two traffic lights were required at the Publix Shopping Center on Peachtree City's east side?

There's a gauntlet of four lights within a quarter mile, from Publix to Shakerag Hill (the Robinson Road intersection). Even the giant Pavilion in Fayetteville about 10 times the size of the Publix center has only one light. Seems to work okay.

What Bozo set the sequence on the all-important light at Ga. highways 54 and 74?

Notice, in the mornings the heavier eastbound traffic has to wait while the infinitely lighter westbound traffic zips through the intersection. In the evenings you guessed it the much heavier westbound traffic must wait while the piddling line of eastbound vehicles gets a green flag for 10 or 15 seconds.

This probably deserves a classification all its own: What Bozo decided all our four-lane highways needed NO signs encouraging left-lane blockheads to please move over and let faster traffic pass them?

This is a particular road-rage fav of mine.

I haven't done a scientific survey, but it seems that about 60 percent of all Fayette traffic now drives in the left lane you know, the lane once known as the "passing" lane?

I would vote raise my taxes to pay for a sheriff's department cruiser with a bulldozer blade attached to the front, and I would cheer as it plowed open that clogged passing lane.

Note to all offended blockheads: If you look in the rearview mirror once an hour or so, you might notice that long line of fuming drivers blocked by your indifference to good manners and plain old Georgia law. If you see people passing you on the right, Mother Nature is trying to tell you something: "GET OUT OF THE #$%@* way!"

One particular sub-species of brain-damaged blockheads is the perpetrator of the rolling roadblock.

That's when a vehicle in the left lane drives abreast of a vehicle in the right lane, thereby creating a rolling roadblock. This is a particularly effective way to encourage road rage, especially if the sub-species increases or decreases speed to match the pace of the vehicle in the right lane.

So, where are those signs that say, "Get right, stupid!"? No, really, they tell folks to "keep right unless passing." It's a law, not a suggestion.

By the way, that same unofficial personal survey shows that the worst offenders are guys driving pickups and service vans and women in vans and those hulking sports utility vehicles.

And they're all deaf and blind. They must be repeated horn honks and light flashings don't budge 'em. I see them hunkering down and hunching forward with death grips on the steering wheels "This left lane is mine, and you'll have to kill me to get it back!"

And yes, it's okay to get in the left lane to prepare for a left turn. But I've followed blockheads who got in the left lane in Peachtree City in anticipation of turning left in Fayetteville.

What Bozo decided the speed limit on the old Ga. Highway 85 Connector to Brooks should go from 55 down to 35 miles per hour?

The only thing new out there is a county fire station. That road has been 55 mph for decades.

What do you wanna bet we start seeing a radar car parked out there in the rural countryside?

And that brings up another sore subject radar equipped tax collectors.

I've lived in Peachtree City since there was a four-way stop sign at hwys. 54-74, so I've seen an increase in traffic.

But I've never heard of a 62 percent increase in traffic tickets in one city from one year to the next.

That was Peachtree City last year 5,772 citations issued in 1997, but 9,361 citations issued in 1998.

Now, guys, I'm all for supporting my local police department, but doesn't this sound a little ridiculous even to those who wear blue?

Let's see: Peachtree City's population is around 32,000. So, 9,361 citations makes it just under one lawbreaker out of every three city residents.

And we thought we were doing pretty good on crime stats! Now, it turns out that the equivalent of a third of Peachtree City's population had to be hauled before a judge last year. What does that say for our fair city?

Or is this the dastardly work of serial violators who just love to unbuckle that seatbelt at every opportunity?

Just kidding, officer, just kidding. Gee whiz, can't you take a joke? You say I have illegally worn tread on my left rear tire? I see. But how did you see, I mean, my badly worn tires from 200 yards away? Gee, that's a nifty electronic nightscope you have there, officer. Can't be too careful of all of us tire tread lawbreakers.

(Full disclosure here: I have never received a traffic ticket in Peachtree City or any part of Fayette County. Not yet, anyway.)

Well, the world is a safer place now, with all those rabid seatbelt violators properly stopped and judged. Not to mention the hefty increase in city revenues from the increase in traffic citations.

The Bozo connection? Well, how about who was the Bozo who decided that taxpayers' money would be better utilized arresting ordinary citizens than patrolling neighborhoods to cut down on burglaries and solving crimes?

That's the thing about any government agency: Create it and it looks for ways to grow and spend more money.

Now, a few rules: I'm ineligible to be nominated for a Bozo Award. 'Tain't fair, you say? Well, it's my sorry idea, so I get to make the rules.

Bozo nominations should be mailed or e-mailed, not attached to a rock thrown through my window. Addresses are on the front page, under the name of this paper.

And, you can nominate Bozos in whatever category you care to; the range is unlimited, but space is not. So keep it short, if not sweet.