Wednesday, December 9, 1998 |
Six months ago we brought home our adopted daughter, Melanie Jia Lu Garlock. She is now fully in charge. At 18 months, she is learning new words every day, getting into everything, starting the "No!" phase, experimenting with the toilet, and terrorizing the neighbor's cat. Just like a normal kid. From the moment we met her in Hefei, Anhui province just west of Shanghai in China, Melanie has been firmly attached to mom, at first as if by super glue, then velcro and now just a bungee cord. She shouts DAADAA! when dad picks her up from day care as she runs to him from the little friends she has learned to play with peacefully, no biting, thank you! And she's mastered the art of strategic crying, testing for just the right tone and watching for the response she wants. Those of us who have adopted children know a couple of secrets, and since November was Adoption Awareness Month, we'll share them with you. First, when compared to having a biological child, adopting is very different, but just the same. For international adoption, there are lots of forms to complete, documents to gather for certification, authentication, legalization and translation, fees to pay, background checks by the INS and FBI, and disclosure of the most intimate details of our lives to convince others we are worthy to be parents. There is uncertainty, frustration with bureaucratic obstacles, and long waits while we wonder: How old will she be? What will she look like? Will she be healthy and strong and well cared for until she is ours? When the phone call finally comes and the picture arrives with a health summary, and we quickly accept the child, there is more anxious waiting for foreign travel approval. Then at long last the magical day comes when the waiting is done, we hold our baby and wonder what to do next. There may be no morning sickness or delivery as in childbirth, but the emotional roller-coaster ride and dramatic climax are much the same. Second, the unbreakable bond that ties the hearts of parent and child forms quickly, and is not deterred in the least by different genes, skin color or facial features. As Melanie watches Saturday morning cartoons and is mesmerized by The Bear in the Big Blue House, as she declares "Uh-oh" for the umteenth time today and drags her "blankie" everywhere, as she pulls mom and dad by the finger to the refrigerator to con her way to a Popsicle, we no longer think of her as a Chinese child, or even as adopted. She's simply our beautiful, charming, devilish little girl. Just like yours. We are grateful beyond words for the encouragement and support we received throughout the adoption process from our family, friends, neighbors and co-workers. Although we lost both grandpas in recent years, grandma Shirley in Salt Lake City, Utah and grandma Lois in Pensacola, Fla., share our belief that the sun rises with Melanie. Our very special Peachtree City neighbors have welcomed her like their own family. We are blessed. So far, we have not encountered anywhere a single racial slur. We have not yet heard comments like, "She's not yours, is she?" in grocery store checkout lines by well-meaning people who aren't thinking that she sees and hears and remembers what is said about her. She is still too young to hear adolescent taunts like, "Those aren't your real parents!" or to wonder why the vital word adoption is used to describe volunteering to pick up roadside trash. And she is years away from feeling awkward about being different, and being stung by the harsh reminders of daily life. But we cannot change the world and we know these trials will come. Our job is to teach Melanie that although she came to us through adoption, she is our real daughter. While she learns to honor her Chinese heritage and her unknown birthparents in China, and the extreme circumstances forcing them to give her up, she will also learn that we are her parents forever. She will learn that many uninformed people are surprised to discover that adoption is not second best, and families formed by adoption are as tightly bound as their own. She will learn that when TV and print reporters emphasize in a story someone's adopted child as opposed to simply someone's child, there is no slight intended, the emphasis is there only because the reporters mistakenly think the distinction should be made. She will learn that most people have not had the occasion to think through these adoption issues, and while some of their perceptions and remarks will seem cruel to her, they are mostly born of innocence. And if we do our parenting job well, Melanie will know that, no matter what anyone says, she is much more than "adopted." She is our daughter, and we are her mom and dad. Terry and Julie Garlock
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