Gregory Smith
Business Columnist

Every industry that I have worked with has their own unique vocabulary. Usually there is the authorized version and then there is the unauthorized version. The unauthorized version is always the more interesting version.

Probably the most colorful lingo is found within the computer industry.

Here are some examples someone E- mailed me from the book "Jargon Watch," published by Wired magazine . . .

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Mike, he's the alpha geek around here."

Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech in midsentence.

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Seen in Elizabeth P. Crowe's book, The Electronic Traveler.

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's head pops up over the walls to see what's going on.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Gregory P. Smith lives in Conyers, Georgia. He helps organizations solve problems and build more productive work environments. For further information please call (770)860-9464 or send E-mail to greg@chartcourse.com. You can find more information and business tips at http://www.chartcourse.com