Provincial wisdom

Ah, you say, here she goes again, copying from other papers and calling it a column.

But how else would you get to see how they do things in far-off lands? Think of the time I've spared you, traveling all the way to Atlantic Canada to pan for nuggets in the news. That's what they call this neighborhood, "Atlantic Canada."

For years, we've called them The Maritime Provinces, these easternmost provinces of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, and Prince Edward Island.

That's where we are as I write, on P.E.I. It's all water and sky and sloping fields of new-mown hay or grazing cattle, this far-off world.

Some mornings begin with the bays fogged in and the sky hazy, but guaranteed, something meteorologically interesting will happen before the day ends: the wind will rise and the sun will burn off the haze or a squall will whip across the cove and thrash it into submission.

And nearly every day is crowned with a sunset that stops traffic with its splendor. Except there is practically no traffic to stop.

But I digress. Today, we'll sample the journalistic fare of Canada and P.E.I., in which the most mundane indeed the obligatory stories are surely more interesting to the visitor than to the native.

It's so easy to think that the way we do things at home is the right way. Those of us who "come from away," to use an island phrase, take note of routine notices like jumps, obits, and meeting schedules when they differ from those in our own hometown papers.

Every Canadian paper we read made sure their jumps stories continuing from Page 1 to Page 14 fell tidily between paragraphs. Ours usually break in mid-sentence to encourage us to finish what we've begun, frantically murmuring, "Police said the hand grenade in the daycare center was , was , was what?" as we flip pages to learn it was "a toy."

Permit me to note at the outset that the national dailies of these two great nations cannot even be compared. (And then she proceeds to compare them tsk.)

USA Today, that south-of-the-border travesty labeled McNewspaper by those who think journalism matters, is not worthy to be mentioned in the same paragraph with Canada's The Globe and Mail. (And then she does mention both.)

Most students of the art of purveying news are advised to aim their syntax toward readers at a fifth grade level. McNewspaper editors see to it that a second grader with an attention deficit disorder would be comfortable with their product. Admirable, I suppose, for advocates of those so afflicted, but what ADD tot even reads the paper?

By contrast, The Globe respects the intelligence of its readership and provides genuine mental nutrition not to mention comprehensive news on a daily basis, more than I can usually finish.

Within The Globe's well-written and beautifully illustrated pages one can nonetheless find amusement in the life-and-death announcements that mean so much to all of us.

For example, on a page of birth announcements, one would expect to find expressions like the following, if one would expect to find birth announcements at all in a national publication: "The Smiths are delighted to announce the birth of..." Or, "thrilled to announce the safe arrival of...", or "Celebrating the birth of..." Doctors and nursing staffs are thanked. Siblings and grandparents are included. I was touched by this note: "Sadly missed at this time is grandmother Geraldine Servin...."

But tell me this one isn't a bit excessive (I've changed names): "Coustain/Taylor -- What is a Baby? The fresh smell after a rainfall, the first ray of sunshine, spring, tomorrow "R.J., Jackie and (big sister) Hannah Marie all feel so special to be chosen by God to welcome Thomas Samuel into the world on (date, time). He weighed 3100 grams, was 52 cms. long and had Apgars of 9 and 9. He is the fourteenth grandchild of ... and the third for ... Many thanks to Dr.... and the nurses at the Toronto Hospital. We have been awed every day of Hannah's life but now, with the gift of a second child, we realize that the wonderment and beauty of God's miracles have no bounds."

Whew.

The most titillating reading, believe it or not, came from the weekly calendar of The Guardian, P.E.I.'s little daily. There are support group listing the usual -- Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, even Pills Anonymous. But Sexaholics Anonymous? They meet twice a week. There's a phone number for contact, but no published location. I'm not surprised.

Among The Globe obits, we read of the death of George Roberts of Victoria, a husband, father, grandfather, stepfather, step-grandfather, and yes, ex-husband. "Also surviving are his first wife Phyllis and his brother Tom," it says.

But more remarkable than leaving behind such a sport for an ex, the list of George's survivors included a deceased step-grandson. How did he do that?

I must say I was genuinely touched by reading of Toronto's Robert Townsend, whose obit read: "Beloved husband of Alice, proud parent of ... and 10 grandchildren.... In lieu of flowers, donations to the Toronto Symphony...."

The paragraph concluded with this poignant message: "If you remember me, I would like that, but no mourning, please. Death in old age is a solution, not a tragedy."

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