I was chatting with a stranger in a local discount store a few weeks ago. My son was in my arms at the time. The lady asked me how old he was. When I told her he was 17 months old, she commented, "So he hasn't reached the terrible two's yet." I despise that phrase. I am troubled by any assumption that supposes the worst from children. The assumption of this phrase is that a child will be fine until that magical day when he turns two. Then he becomes "terrible" for some period of time.

Don't misunderstand me. I know how this phrase came about. Around age two, children get into everything, they have learned the word "no" and they aren't afraid to use it. No doubt, most parents experience an increase in frustration with their children around age two. This does not mean, though, that the children are terrible or even troubled. The problem, quite frankly, is with the adult interpretation of the child's behavior. Here is what I mean.

The 24-month birthday is around the time where children have developed both cognitive and motor skills that allow them to explore the world and learn about their surroundings. They are learning to use language. The single-syllable word "no" is a very easy word to learn and they hear it from their earliest days. Therefore, one shouldn't be surprised that they use this word very early in their speaking career. Likewise, the child's personality and independence is developing to the point where he wants to do things on his own without help. He wants to exercise the freedom he has begun to experience. He will exercise this freedom physically, socially, and mentally.

It is, therefore, desirable that a child do the very things that we call terrible. I'm not suggesting that disrespectful or dangerous behaviors should be excused. I'm suggesting that we want our children to explore, use language, and learn to be independent. At age two, however, the child does not know how to do this appropriately. It is the parent's job to teach them. When I do a developmental analysis of a child in this age range, I'm concerned if the child doesn't get into things and exhibit independent and defiant behavior.

I am always a little surprised at parents who seem confused that their children don't have perfect manners and aren't perfectly behaved in their preschool years. It is our job as parents to teach these children the appropriate way to express discontent and the proper way to say, "no." It is also our job to teach these children where they can go and which cabinets are off limits. But to expect that they won't make mistakes is a bit unrealistic.

I suggest that parents who have children this age do a few things around the house to save them some trouble. First, monitor how often you say "no." Children learn language through imitation. If the word they hear most frequently is "no" don't be surprised if it is one of their first words. Say "no" when it is necessary, but find ways to encourage them when they are doing right as well.

Second, if there are things you don't want the child to get into, put them away. You can't put everything in the house away, but you can save a lot of energy by putting some things away. Finally, look at this stage of your child's development as an exciting part of his life. You want him to develop to the point of self-sufficiency. The "terrible two's" are the first step toward that goal.

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