By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

Pablo Picasso once said, "If only we could pull out our brain and use only our eyes." This quote again proves that he was about as wacked out as the Halloween psycho on a double cappuccino.

But, I did contemplate my eyes this week as I made a friendly visit to see my vision care giver, Dr. David Johnson. It made me realize we should all open our eyes to the fact that it is short-sighted to neglect our ... uh... eyes.

The "All Eyes" office in Peachtree City is a rather fun place to visit if you are bored. When you enter, instead of the typical greeting, "Hello, how are you?" they say, "Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes!"

Fresh flowers are put out daily: Irises. They always play REM on the sound system and they like to play practical jokes. They hang nothing on the wall except out-of-focus pictures. They also use just 10-watt bulbs in all the lamps.

The doctor's favorite trick is during the checkup. He shines his pen light into your eyes and then shrieks, "Nurse, oh my gosh.. I accidentally used my radial-catotonomy laser!" They just laugh and laugh until the tears start rolling. Then you read the eye chart and it spells out, "Your fly is open." Can you believe the optic nerve of them?

It reminds me of the old Garry Shandling joke where he is behind the large machine that reads your vision. He says his doctor tells him he is going to have to wear that device all the time. Just what a single guys wants to hear, Garry says; You are out at a bar or club picking up chicks and you go, "Hey, girls... better or worse?"

Actually, the other day when I went to the eye doctor's office, I was just there to have my contacts polished. I wear hard lenses or "gas perms" as those of us in the optical know would say, but of late, I have been wearing my glasses 100 percent of the time. Tired of being Mr. Four-Eyes, I thought I would give contacts one more try. The nurses, assistants and such were giving me help and tips when suddenly I figured it out, "You mean you're supposed to remove the contacts before you sanitize them with the boiling saline solution?!"

If eyes are the windows of the soul, then I need blinds. I really shouldn't tell too much about Dr. Johnson's office, it might become too popular and busy (and yes, he looks like Wink Martindale). I should keep a lid on it. Letting this secret out, I could get 40 lashes.

Of course, most of you readers could hire a private eye and find where his office is anyway. I don't know, I'm not really an expert at this; I'm just a pupil.

Point is, I am wearing contacts again and I appreciate the assistance I received from the gang at "All Eyes." Maybe I should take them all to see the new movie "Snake Eyes." Or we could rent a James Bond video, "For Your Eyes Only" or "Golden Eye."

Maybe after, we could eat at I-Hop. I really must stop now. This couldn't get much cornea.