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Witchy Poo

How do you take a bunch of talented actors and a possibly great idea for a film and totally screw it up? The answer is simple. You give it to writer/director Nora Ephron and let her run with it. She’s sure to turn it into a bona-fide disaster.

From the saccharine soaked mind that gave us such atrocities as “Sleepless In Seattle’” and “You’ve Got Mail,” comes the big screen version of the beloved 60s television classic, “Bewitched.” Even though Ephron did not give the project to her favorite dunderhead, Meg Ryan, this movie is completely idiotic. Come to think of it, maybe Ryan and Hanks could have actually improved this one. It’s nothing a few hundred rewrites can’t fix.

That seems to be a large part of the problem here. The story feels rewritten to death. It’s like a finger painting that went too far. One too many swirls of red and blue. The biggest mistake is the premise. Some unknown studio is updating “Bewitched” for television and Will Ferrell is asked to play Darrin.

Ferrell plays a nearly washed-up actor who is trying to save what’s left of his career. His bad movies keep tanking, so TV is his last hope. Gee, this could almost be the Will Ferrell segment of “Biography.” Give it another year or so, it’ll happen.

Luckily, there’s a real witch moving into the neighborhood who has the perfect twitchy nose for the part of Samantha, played to cutesy perfection by Nicole Kidman. Ferrell spots her schnoz in a bookstore and the rest is TV history. Well, not quite.

There follow several parallels involving Aunt Clara, Uncle Arthur, and Sam’s father Maurice, Michael Caine in another thankless role. The whole thing is such a waste of a good story, it’s sad to watch it unfold. Instead of Darrin's advertising crisis and Sam’s ability to bail him out, we get the spoiled actor routine and the pushy agent bit. This is NOT “Bewitched.” I don’t know what this is. Something very close to sacrilege in my book.

There’s no Larry Tate, and nosy neighbor Gladys is thrown in at the very end as an afterthought. Had they given me the chance to write this thing, I guarantee it would have been funnier that this. I was there in front of the TV set when it premiered, back when television was watchable. I think I have more of a clue as to what made Darrin and Sam tick.

Ephron obviously doesn’t know her cauldron from a hole in the ground. Despite a few clever special effects and an occasional funny take from Ferrell, there isn’t much magic to watch here. Shirley McLaine is underused as Endora, a part that could have been Best Supporting Actress material.

Steve Carell’s Uncle Arthur is close, but a little creepy. Let’s face it; Paul Lynde’s shoes are a little too unique for any actor to fit into. Carell’s catatonic comedic stylings may seem fresh to some people. I find his humor a bit forced. He always looks like his head is going to explode.

Ferrell does a brief Uncle Arthur bit early on that’s actually funnier than Carell’s. In fact, several scenes in the movie cut to the actual television show being watched by characters in the film. It’s pretty pathetic when the footage of the show you are portraying is better than the movie it’s in.

Now that I think of it, there are a lot of good characters missing here. What about Dr. Bombay? What about the Witches Council? What about Serena? I wish I could twitch my nose and make this awful misfire of a movie disappear.

Unfortunately, every year, some TV show gets dredged up from the past and put up on the big screen. Occasionally you get something remarkable like “The Brady Bunch Movie,” but most of the time, it’s a mouth-dropping disaster like “The Flintstones,” or “The Honeymooners.” The teasers and the previews that stalk audiences for six months prior promise movie magic, and end up delivering very little charm. I fall for it every time.

“I can’t wait to see ‘Bewitched’!” I said with typical mortal optimism. Don’t be a mere mortal like me and waste YOUR time.