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If I were the emperor

By RICK RYCKELEY
Contributing Writer

If I were made emperor of America, I would be benevolent, kind, and, above all else, I would be fair. But, there would be some definite changes around here. And might I say that some of the changes are long overdue. So the following is a short list of what I came up with to do on my first day as the new boss of America. Warning:  Some of the changes are not very politically correct, but what do I care? I’m the emperor; emperors don’t have to be politically correct.

As emperor, the first thing I would enact would be the harshest penalty known to man upon anyone who harms a child. By harm, I don’t mean the occasional spanking, or slap on the back of the wrist. Nope, I mean the crimes heard about on the news. For those, there would be no appeal. The perpetrator would be locked away forever, or even worse, they would be given over to the parents of the victim so they could dole out their own form of justice.

While I’m on the subject, as emperor, all jails in America would be turned into places you’d rather die than spend one night in. Gone would be the country club atmosphere of air conditioning, cable televisions, and a wide variety of foods. Nope, in my jails all food would be bland. The food would have all the vitamins and minerals to sustain life, but would be as tasty as eating cardboard.

In my jail there would be no weight rooms. What politician-genius thought it was a good idea to let violent criminals have all kinds of exercise equipment anyway? Nowadays prisoners come out of jail bigger and stronger than they were when they went in. It was probably the same genius who thought it was a good idea to lock criminals away in a place that’s nicer than where most of them came from. Yeah, being sent to a country club is a big deterrent ...

And by the way, if you commit an adult crime - no matter what your age - you’re an adult. Case closed. You will spend every day of your sentence behind bars - no early parole for good behavior. Nope, if we run out of space we’ll just build more jails. I like the idea of setting up tents in the wastelands of the Arizona desert.

As your beloved emperor, I would save you money! Seeing how the majority of us are overweight, I would hand down an edict that thin people would be considered unhealthy. Fat people would never have to go to the gym or diet again. Think of the money most households would save in diet books alone!

You would also no longer dread going back-to-school shopping with your teenagers. You won’t have to buy your little darling those $125 “must have” tennis shoes or fret over those way-too-short shorts. Nope, as your emperor I will see to it that there will be nothing worn in any school but school uniforms.

I have additional money-saving tips when I’m emperor. I would not get paid. Nor would any other politician get paid. Politicians are supposed to serve the people and help to run the government according to what is best for the people who voted them into office. Most have forgotten that. Nowadays they’re too busy lining their pockets with money and trying to get political favors so they can look good back home and get re-elected.

And the last two things I would do as your emperor on my first day? First, I would pay all stay-at-home moms a yearly salary - a big one. They work impossibly long hours and never get paid a dime. What job could be more important than raising children? And because the second most important job is being a teacher, I would pay all teachers $150,000 a year. They would work 8 to 5 Monday through Friday and then go home to their families. There would be no coming in early so a student can make up a test he or she simply forgot to study for. There would be no staying late for meetings with parents who make the time to yell at teachers, but don’t have the time to make sure their child is doing homework and studying for tests. And above all else, there would be no grading papers at home for hours late at night. That would be the time teachers are supposed to spend with their children.

Why make teaching one of the highest paid professions in my America? Just where do you think all of the doctors and lawyers, mechanics and airline pilots learned how to be so smart? Teachers. Besides, have you ever spent eight hours with your teenager in a small room? Now imagine spending all that time with 26 of his nonstop-talking friends. Come to think of it, $150,000 may not be enough.