Show me that I’m OK

Many times over the years I’ve written about the importance of esteem in children. Amazingly, some psychologists deny esteem even exists. It seems obvious to me. Our thoughts about ourselves show up in our behavior in very overt ways. Esteem exists and it has a powerful impact on the behavior of old and young alike.

Our esteem, or how we feel about ourselves, is reflective of two things. First, our esteem is made up of what others have told us about ourselves. This part of esteem begins to develop in the very early years of life. While esteem is never set in concrete, by age six or seven, this part of one’s esteem is established and is very difficult to change. Directly related to this first part of esteem is the second. This part of esteem is made up of what we think we should be, what we think we are, and the difference between the two.

Children who consistently are told that they are bad, that they should be like someone else, or that they should be something they are not will perceive themselves in that way and they will see no hope of achieving their ideal self. That leaves one feeling hopeless.

Even the most arrogant children want to please adults because they are trying to find reason to believe in themselves. Some years ago I was substituting for a second-grade teacher. One boy in the class, Steven*, had given the teacher trouble all year. He was loud, uncooperative, and generally a difficult kid to teach. He was the kind of child many teachers would love to see move away or transfer to another classroom. I didn’t mind this boy. He was busy and had a lot to prove to himself and others, but I could see how badly he wanted someone to say, “You’re just fine.”

The teacher used a small handheld bell on the playground to signal her class that recess was over. It was one child’s duty each day to carry the bell to the play area for her, something all the children enjoyed doing. On this day I had taken the children to the playground and it was Steven’s turn to carry the bell. He brought me the bell at the end of recess and as he handed it to me he noticed that the metal ball that rings the bell had fallen out and was lost. The bell was useless.

He looked up at me with the most forlorn look and said, “Do you think Mrs. Smith* will be disappointed with me?”

This boy who many adults would have thought didn’t care what anyone thought of him, was deeply troubled thinking that he might disappoint his teacher. What he wanted was for her to be pleased with him, to think he was a good boy. He didn’t know how to ask for it so it acted as though it didn’t matter to him. This is what many of the teachers interpreted as “disruptive behavior.”

While I admit that his behavior did indeed disrupt the classroom, he was not a disruptive child. He was a normal kid whose showing off, teasing classmates, acting out, and some of his defiance were all substitutes for what he really wanted. He wanted someone to communicate to him that he was lovable just like he was without all the acting out behavior. His behaviors were an attempt to find some way to prove he was OK to others and to himself.

After nearly 20 years of therapy with children I find it amazing that many children’s behaviors can be adjusted simply by loving them unconditionally and demonstrating that to them.

Parents, take a few minutes next time your child is misbehaving and ask yourself what he really wants. Put your arm around your child or take him into your lap and love on him. This focuses directly on the child’s esteem and you don’t even have to say anything. See if that doesn’t make at least a small difference. Hugs and snuggles are no panacea, but they are just the right prescription in many cases.

• Not their real names.