The reality television program to end all reality television programs (yeah, I wish!) began Monday night on the E! channel. The “E” must stand for extremely ridiculous! “The Michael Jackson Trial” is now a program. Every night you can tune in for reenactments and updates of this bizarre courtroom case. As Jack Parr once said, “I kid you not!”
It’s hard to pick the strangest tidbit connected to America’s latest “cause celebe” so I’ll let you, the flabbergasted reader decide.
First off, they have reconstructed the courtroom in every detail and intend to perform daily dramatizations of the proceedings. I guess there really isn’t an artist this side of Salvador Dali who could capture the true nature of Mr. Jackson in the hot seat.
Instead they have enlisted Eddie Moss from “Scary Movie 3” to be the gloved one’s stand-in. Moss is nearly beside himself with glee at the chance of glomming onto the questionable fame inherent in this case. I guess you could consider the show, “Scary Movie: The Miniseries.”
Moss confessed that he never really cared for Michael Jackson that much until he decided to dress up as him on Halloween one year. The likeness was creepily accurate. The rest is pop history.
Still, it is Michael, himself, that one-time cute as a button little boy, who is the eerie centerpiece of the show. Interview footage from the Martin Bashir special showed the world a man who looked more like Count Dracula than the self-proclaimed “King of Pop,” and behaved as if he were above reproach simply because of massive record sales.
Well, dear readers, you already know what I think of massive record sales. Do you really want to hear that rant again? I thought not. Suffice it to say that Michael has not only looked tired for years, but that his musical sensibilities are exhausted as well. If I had his money, I’d find something better to do than chase after an elusive crown that only existed in my mind. Let’s face it. Mr. J. has grabbed his crotch one too many times.
Now for the second part of this incomprehensible equation, the fans. I have to ask myself, ‘Who are these people?’ I tend to think of them as the ignorant masses. Obviously they have little or no taste if they’re getting all bunged up about a performer like Michael Jackson.
His hard sell approach to music proves that if you throw enough money at something, and produce the bejesus out of it, chances are the final product will have all the real earmarkings of a record. This is what Glovula has been doing for years, but I think his funds and his credibility are about to expire.
From the mob-scenes that surround his every umbrella-ed movement, the fact that this guy is creepier than Max Shreck simply doesn’t register. They hold flimsy poster board signs up with slogans scrawled on them like “Michael Jackson - Smooth but no Criminal.” One shot of Michael on top of an SUV after his arraignment, surrounded by a sea of idiocy, seemed to say it all. Here’s a guy who has grown up in the public’s eye. The idea of not being worshipped for him is just so much “doo doo feces.”
To prove his regality, and in turn, his infallibility, a stream of celebrities as misguided as those who deign to share commercial time with the likes of such irascible, would-be stars as Snoop Dogg, are lined up for the King.
Liz Taylor, Diana Ross, Eddie Murphy, Chris Tucker, Quincy Jones, Jay Leno, Kobe Bryant, Ed Bradley, MacCauley Caulkin, and Emmanuel Lewis have all been approached to witness. Corey Feldman, a child star who lost his way after being sucked into the vortex of Neverland, has been subpoenaed.
Feldman gave a recent painfully vague interview where he alluded to improper behavior and bad coffee table décor such as a book on venereal diseases. I guess we’re all supposed to give M.J. the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s only interested in pre-med.
A crack panel of three commentators, Rikki Kleimann, Shawn Chapman Holley, and Howard Weitzman weigh in at the end of the show with their insights, as skewed as they may be.
Holley, who was on the O.J. Simpson defense team stated that “race was Michael Jackson’s biggest problem.” She went on to purport that black jurors are willing to give Michael the aforementioned benefit of the doubt. The jury of 4 men and 8 women between the ages of 20 and 79 were selected in two days after Jackson slowed the process for two weeks begging off with the flu allegedly involving some vomiting. I’m not sure if any “doo doo feces” was included.
Accusations of grifting were also raised, implying that this case is about gouging money from the pseudo-military pockets of Jackson.
Weitzman said that Jackson is a victim and is concerned at how Michael can be perceived. The first witness for the prosecution, headed by D.A. Thomas Snedden, is supposed to be Martin Bashir and by the time of the closing statements, this little misunderstanding will have a price tag somewhere between $2.5 and $4 million dollars.
More than 1,100 reporters from around the world are said to be covering this thing at a cost of $7,500 per day for accommodations. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends in a mistrial. Regardless, it’s a three ring media circus, and fun is guaranteed for all, except for poor, lonely Michael.
He told Geraldo Rivera he has “rhino skin” and can handle “the slings and arrows” of outrageous behavior, but Geraldo’s credibility is still in the vault. Thomas Mereneau was called in at the last minute to defend “His Highness” giving a statement to the press that the trial of Michael Jackson was about one thing. He went on to spew an elongated series of adjectives describing his wealthy client in the most glorious terms making him sound like Gandhi and Walt Disney combined. I thought the trial was about ONE THING. Hey, Thomas, forget what you just said two seconds ago much?
It’s been over a decade since Michael Jackson has had a best-selling record. Yet, he continues to be in the public eye. Sometimes he’s half obscured in a doctor’s mask. Sometimes he’s hiding under his big black umbrella. He faces a possible 20 years in prison for the allegations against him. It seems impossible that someone as famous as he is could end up behind bars. That people are investing so much personal energy in this man as he goes before the judge says something about our viewpoint. We can watch Jerry Springer unleash trashy relationships on TV with glee as the audience shouts their hateful mantras. It’s OK to destroy people who have nothing, but don’t mess with the rich and famous. They have carte blanche.
You can find out more about this craziness at eonline.com or watch the madness unfold weeknights on E! at 7:30 and 9 p.m.
